Thursday, November 4, 2010


just got flipped off by a one armed guy in the ICU whose arm was tied down with restraints, absolutely incredible.

oh well, thats what I get for treating him...
but the best part was, all I had to do was put the blanket back on him and close the door. :)

Sunday, October 31, 2010

going down

while sitting at the nurses station working on the computer, i notice a 50 yr old lady walk toward the two elevators and stand in front of them waiting. so I go back to my work when she mutters to herself "which one goes down?"

so i look over again and shes standing there without pressing the elevator button and still looking at the 2 elevators. "i hate elevators, why isnt it going down"

like watching a train wreck, I sit there for another minute while she waits patiently. finally feeling bad, i walk over and press the down arrow and the elevator opens up and i go to sit down. she gets in it. door closes and for the next minute the elevator stays on the same floor. she was standing in side of it not pressing anything again.

finally someone from the floor above pressed the button and the elevator went up, picked up the new passenger and then reopened on my floor with the lady still in it. Completely shocked at what im watching , i got into the elevator, pressed the first floor and rode it down with her.

Looking at her with a shocked / retarded expression, i asked her if shes feeling fine

she looks at me deadpan "ofcourse im fine, why?"

oh i dont know maybe the fact that you dont know how to use an elevator, maybe the fact that you stood infront of it for it to magically open for you, or maybe the fact that you stood in it for a minute not known why the elevator wasnt moving..... but all i could say was "oh you look tired"

watched the elevator open on the first floor and her leave, not believing what just happened.

Friday, October 29, 2010

stress management

As part of our 1st yr requirements, we are expected to attend a Stress Management meeting with 6 other interns, a hospital official and a psychiatrist so they can sit there and pick and prod at us and see if we're cracking under the stress.
well if you haven't figured out till now, work does not stress me at all, i love it and i love having fun with it, so obviously I needed to make this meeting interesting

well when it was my turn to share my feelings, they asked me how I cope with stress, I looked at the psychiatrist and said with a straight face

"well to be honest I think I deal with stress just fine, being at home alone is okay because I can talk to the imaginary people there and they talk back to me, sometimes we argue but its okay, we get along. As for how to deal with real stress, well I drink excessively and go out to strip clubs nightly, unfortunately the cost of it is pretty taxing on my salary so I would appreciate a raise to decrease my stress."

needless to say there was an awkward round of laughing...
lets see how long it takes for me to get a letter in my mail telling me i need counseling lol

Monday, October 25, 2010

groundhog day

reason #346 of why I stand out in Ohio. Pt comes in with a self inflicted gunshot wound and fracture of arm after hunting a groundhog and instead falling into his hole and shooting himself. redneck 0 - groundhog 1 :)

to top it off, instead of calling an ambulance, he decides to drive himself to the hospital, on the way gets hungry, stops at a 7/11 to get food while bleeding all over the place. After getting his food and driving away, the clerk calls the cops for the gunshot who start a statewide hunt for him. He drives past the closest hospital to him, decides to keep going to the next one. cops finally show up and lockdown the ER thinking the guy is a criminal.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

pain in the ass

23 yr old girl comes it with a toothache.

So i walk in and theres a cute blonde laying on her side in pain. So i go in and have her open her mmouth and theres an obvious cavity. oddly enough im not a dentist, so the best i can do is give penicillin and pain meds, so as im walking out, she says..

"doctor, this is really embarrassing... but my butt hurts alot..."
wtf? tooth ache and butt ache together? what did she bite herself in the ass?

"umm okay. whats bothering you there?"
"well it hurts when i strain since ive been constipated for the past week"
"okay, well, let me get a nurse and then ill have a look, and ill check for any blood"
"yea theres been blood too"
---- wonderful

so obvious things are hemorrhoids or anal fissures

so i have a look, and yup theres a cut in her ass thats hurting her.
ok so i turn to leave again, and shes like

"doctor, this is embarrassing, but..."
oh jesus now what????

" but i was wondering could this be from anal sex?"
"yes, when did you have anal?"

"about a day before it started bleeding and hurting"
"yea im pretty sure its from that"

"well could i still have anal? i really like it"
"um, yea sure, but id wait atleast two weeks for it to heal"

" umm one more questions , do you like anal sex?"
" umm i need to get to my other patients, ill get you some cream for your butt pain"

Friday, September 10, 2010


the note from the nurse reads

54 yr old male presents with testicular pain

hmm oddly enough testicular pain is serious shit, as much as its embarrassing to walk up to the nurse to say that your balls hurt, it could be a sign of things such as testicular torsion (ball twists on it self and dies ... every guy reading this just grabbed his balls by the way lol)
or cancer or trauma.... either way ball pain is serious

so before i go in i read up on his chart. hes come into our ED 14 times for testicular pain.. odd again
hes had every test done on it that you can possibly do. so what could the problem be???

i walk in, and there is some fat smelly man sitting with his pants down. well, time to glove up and feel his hairy balls

needlesss to say, theres nothing wrong with his balls. so i walk back to the doctor im working with, and he asks me "what do you thinks wrong?"

"umm to be honest? i think he likes having us play with his balls"
the doctor looks at me and says "i dont think thats a real diagnosis"

i shrug and go back to my computer
he walks in, spends 2 minutes in there , walks out
"get him out of here, hes seriously just here to get his balls played with"

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


sorry for the long wait, with my move and new job its been a mess with the hours
but on the bright side it brings new stories

25 yr old woman comes in with her 1 yr old baby and her best friend. The patient says shes pregnant with twins, and that shes afraid something happened to them because her bf tossed her around the house today and that she hasnt felt them move.

Obviously this is very distressing news, so i start to ask the patient questions about this
"when was the last time you felt the babies move?"
"yesterday, my friends 5 months pregnant like me, we felt it together"

she states that she just came from another hospital where they refused to do an ultrasound of her belly since it was part midnight and they dont perform those until 5am. so I got ready to do the ultrasound myself , but before i did that i ordered some labs on her, a urine HCG (pregnancy test) and a serum HCG (more accurate since its from the blood) .

The urine pregnancy came back negative.... a bit odd since even though it could be negative you wouldnt expect it to be with twins at 5months.

Serum HCG came back negative too.... wtf? even if she got tossed around the room and had a miscarriage the values would be high enough for a month. how could she have felt the babies move yesterday if shes not pregnant????

so i walked into the room, looked at the lady laying down and asked, "which obgyn have you seen?"
"oh the one at .... Hospital"

so i went back to my desk, called the hospital, pulled up the records there, and guess what
shes never gone to the OB there, shes made up the whole pregnancy.

and thats why the other hospital refused to do an ultrasound of her stomach, theres nothing there to ultrasound.....

i went back in told her that shes not pregnant and hasnt been for a month, guess her reaction?

not shocked at all.... go figure....

the friend (whose been lied to the whole time) demanded she be ultrasounded, so i figured its time to prove to them both theres nothing there, did the ultrasound, found no babies, printed it and gave it to them to frame.

my patients are special.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Guest Blogger

the first guest blog was a great story and people loved it , heres a new one from Kelli. once again its from the point of view of the patient, i know ull find it hilarious, i did.

Rectal Examination

By Kelli Petersen

One evening, I discovered blood in my poop. (Hey, if you can’t talk candidly to the Internet, then who can you talk to?) I’m not usually the kind of person who checks out bowel movements—unlike my boyfriend who not only examines it, but also takes an occasional picture and texts it to his friends. But as I reached over to flush the toilet, I saw a flash of bright red in my peripheral vision. I glanced down and saw small streams of blood lacing on and through the poop.

I made a sound like “muleh!” then started to flush the toilet, before pausing to wonder if I should somehow stick the poop in a plastic baggy. Would a doctor need to actually see it or have it tested? I decided a camera phone picture would suffice.

The next morning, I called my doctor’s office from work. Note to self: sitting at the front desk while fielding incoming calls and greeting visitors is not the place to call your doctor about bloody poop. The conversation went something like this:

Nurse: …and what is the problem you are experiencing?

Me: Um, well, it’s complicated…so, um, I think I may be sick?

Nurse: Sick with what?

Me: Well, there was something, uh, strangeaboutmypoop…last night…

Nurse: I’m sorry?

Me: Therewasbloodinmypoop…that’s why I need to make an appointment…

And so on. I was finally able to secure an appointment for the next day. Unfortunately, upon signing in for my visit, I was faced with sharing my problem with the front desk staff. C’mon, do they really need to know? I wondered. I gave the same stunted explanation as on the phone, except with hand gestures filling in wherever “bowel movement” should have been said.

Finally I was in the private examining room where I could speak openly about the issue. The doctor sat on a stool, slightly lower than the table upon which I sat, naked from the waist down, covered with what seemed to be an enormous paper towel. She asked about the color and consistency of the blood. Was it a dark red or brown? Or was it bright red?

Proudly, I pulled out my camera phone and declared, “I took a picture!” She stared at me for a moment before waving it away, asking, “How about you just tell me about it?” I described the poop in detail, adding creative flourishes here and there: “I would say the blood was the color of a red apple, freshly plucked from a tree.”

I answered more questions: no, I wasn’t constipated; no, I wasn’t feeling nauseous; no, I wasn’t allergic to anything. Finally, the doctor set the clipboard down and instructed me to lie down. Being a woman, I was well accustomed to being pants-less at a doctor’s office, so I shimmied down, ready to put my feet in the stirrups.

“I’m going to have you turn on your side, actually. Facing toward the window.”

Awkwardly, I turned onto my side, as the doctor snapped on latex gloves and rolled her stool behind me, putting her face level with my butt.

“Uh…should I, um, do anything?”

“Just relax, this may feel a bit uncomfortable.”

While looking out the window, I felt her spread my buttocks apart and put a finger inside the hole. “Try not to clench,” she instructed.

Taking her cue, I forced myself to relax and quickly found my thoughts drifting to sex. While she probed and examined, I dreamily looked out the window and focused on not moaning. In my head, the doctor had become a sexy 20-something man with strong arms, and who didn’t really have to do an anal exam (I was only there for an annual check-up, after all), but “just wanted to make sure everything looked good down there.”

The doctor said something, which I missed. “Excuse me?” I hadn’t realized she had pulled away from the table and was making notes on her clipboard.

“Everything looks good down there. My guess is it was a bit of food poisoning, something your body didn’t like. Keep an eye on it and let me know if it gets worse or if you feel pain.”

“Oh, uh, okay. Thanks!” I smoothed my hair which, strangely, seemed to be more unkempt than when I arrived.

She paused for a moment, looking as if she had smelled something strange, then said, “You’re…welcome?” She quickly left the room, closing the door behind her.

I hopped off the table and pulled on my pants. Feeling more refreshed than I had in days, I swung open the door, and giddily walked out of the office.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

one liners

in the quotation marks is the patient, my response is right after

"are you a doctor" - no i just dress up as one for halloween... "but todays not halloween" - oh, in that case yes, yes i am

"doctor how old are you" - 45 - " really?" - no

"doc my hurts when i move it this way" - im pretty sure you know how this ones gonna end

"this is my 14th pregnancy" wtf... do you use birthcontrol "no" -- why not--- " i dont like how condoms feel, i have sex with multiple guys so i cant use the iud, the patch hurts, the pill makes me fat" --- im pretty sure being pregnant makes people fat too., how bout no more sex? "are you kidding"

"i have 3 daughters that would be perfect for you" --- all three at the same time? "maybe" --- wtf

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Guest Blogger

Since my posts are all from the doctors point of view, its time to hear how weird and awkward it is from the patients point of view. So here is Jeffrey with a funny story of his own, thanks for writting it for us. if anyone else is interested in posting their own, let me know

So first allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jeffrey, I blog over at and this story was about the romantic experience that occurred as a result of an inflamed appendix. Let me set the scene. The town of State College in Central Pennsylvania. November, snow had already fallen and accumulated fairly high. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving (I remember because there was a thanksgiving themed episode of "Top Chef"). 2AM...

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and knew something was wrong? Well it happened to me last November. I woke up with the most severe pain in my right side. Believe it or not, I had had appendix problems before, but it had never been serious enough to take out. Well, after calling the hospital, they seriously told me that I should come to the hospital. I had just moved to a new state for grad school and didn't know the area well. As I was riding down in the elevator of my apartment building, I was trying to focus through the pain and remember where the hospital was. I finally got to my car and realized "dammit, I don't have my glasses." Was I about to waste more time and go back upstairs? No.

By the grace of a higher power, I managed to find the hospital. I checked in and when through all the paperwork. They finally take me back and this poor man has been tasked to put an IV in me. Needles and I do not get along. Not only did it feel like it took forever, I think I may have scared the man away from his chosen profession with my, considerably non-masculine weeping and screaming(because of the pain). I finally get some morphine in me, and I'm doing pretty good. The entire time I'm thinking, any second now they're going to come get me. Two hours later, I have fallen asleep. Yet again, I am awakened by the most dreadful pain you can imagine. I practically screamed at the top of my lungs. The poor man who had put the IV in me was doing the same to my mysterious unseen neighbor behind the paper wall. As I'm writhing in pain, he's coaching me like I'm giving birth. Well let me say, if giving birth was a fraction of what I felt, I have so much more respect for my mother.

Well, before they can get some more morphine in me, they decide this is the optimal time to come get me for the X-ray. At this point, I don't remember much. I remember lying on the machine, but that's about it. They must have given me something good without me noticing.

Next thing I know, I'm being woken up and told I have to have surgery ASAP and they need signatures. I manage to call my mother and my classmate. Next thing I know I'm in this room asking about things like "could you wax me instead of shave?" and "if you want to suck some fat out while you're in there, I'd appreciate it" with the nurse who was attending me. I'm still fairly loopy and unsure whether my candidness is a coping mechanism or drugs.

The doctor finally comes in to talk to me. He's talking. Naturally, I'm not understanding a word of it. Whether it was the big words or the drugs, I'm not sure. Finally, I stop him. He's looking at me like he thinks I have a question for him. Apparently, I did. I found out later that the words that then came out of my mouth are "Damn, You're cute. After this is over, you wanna go out?" From then on I really have no recollection of what happened until I woke up to see my professor looming over me. I was sure that I had died and gone to hell.

Well fast forward a week or two. I was recovering. I had already been to a physician to have my staples out and everything. I get a call from the doctor, but it didn't come up as the doctor's office which was in my phone. And we chat briefly about my recovery. About 5 minutes in he says "well, what I'm really calling about is...(pause)... you said you might want to hang out sometime and I was calling to see if you were still interested." Well damn, a doctor was asking me out. And his good looks had, indeed, not been a hallucination. He was fairly handsome for someone nearly twice my age. Me 23, him 45. We met a few times. We went out for a fancy dinner (in central Pennsylvania fancy is a relative term) and bowling (I schooled him so badly). We chatted a few more times, but, sadly, it didn't work out. However, I later discovered when the hospital bill came that, what my insurance hadn't covered, he had taken care of. I called and thanked him, and we still chat sometimes. In the end, it was a surprisingly fun experience, except for the painful part.

Saturday, May 15, 2010


while on my pediatric rotation i had a 16 yr old girl come into the office with her mother complaining of abdominal pain on both sides. the girl had a slight fever as well so I took a thorough history of the complaints and previous medical conditions. when i came up to the part of the sexual history and drug use history, i always ask the patients parents to leave the room since kids always lie and that they all seem to be saints. this girl actually said "no, i want her to be here"
the mother looked at me and said "we are very open with eachother since her abortion"
odd, but thats cool i guess.... "ok is there any possibility you are pregnant again?"
"no, i havent had sex since the abortion 9 months ago" she said with a smile..
"ok, any drug or alcohol use in the past?"
"no, no drugs or alcohol" she said
" do you smoke?"

ok, well to be honest i wont know whats wrong unless we do an abdominal catscan, and a blood draw to check her enzymes, liver function, kidney function and also a Urine analysis and a pelvic exam, your mom can wait outside if youd like.

"no, i want her here"
"ok" so i get a nurse to draw the blood and stand by as i do the pelvic exam, quick swab and a bimanual exam (aka 2 fingers to check if theres any tenderness) and the next thing i know the girl and mother are competing for my attention and flirting with me. they go from asking me questions about my life to the daughter grinding her hips on my fingers. the look of shock on my face should have given it away, but the mother was too busy checking my ass out to care.

so i quickly backed off, pulled the glove off, tossed it in the garbage and ran to wash my hands and left the room before i got molested anymore.

so after washing 3 times, i came back ot speak with hte patient and informed her that we would send all the samples to the lab and that i would call her with the results. she gave me her mothers cell phone number and told me it was fine to speak to the mother since she would be in school during the day.

so a few days passed, the cat scan was normal, all the labs were normal, she wasnt pregnant either. so i was waiting on the STD screening and ofcourse she had chlamydia. go figure the Virgin Mary of chlamydia.

so i waited till 5pm hoping that the patient would be home so i wouldnt have to tell her mother, and ofcourse she wasnt. so the mother picks up and i tell her the results and that I would call in a prescription for antibiotics at her pharmacy.

the mother is silent for a second. then starts yelling "that bastard is dipping his wick in her again!!!!"

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

every day Dave

some patients for one reason or another come to the ER every single day with random concerns. most of these patients are psych cases, some have major anxiety issues and some are just lonely and want human interaction. either way they all get the full work up and need to be taken seriously even though you know 99.9% of the time its nothing at all.

we had one guy called "every day dave". literally he would show up every single day. the guy was atleast very nice about it, so it wasnt that big a pain to see him. in the one month that i worked at the ER in philly I saw him 11 times myself.

my favorite story from him was on a 90 degree philly summer day. Every day dave walks into the ER complaining that he doesnt feel right. So i walk into the room, look at him and hes sitting all happy in the chair.

"Doc im sorry"

"Dont be sorry, whats wrong"

"im sorry, i shouldnt be here" he says

"well just tell me whats going on"

"well i was sitting in the car, waiting for my gf to get done at the gym, and i turned off the car, about an hour later i felt weird and i came to the ER. but the minute i got here i felt so much better, and now i want to go home"

"Im sorry Dave, did you say that you were sitting in the car, with no air conditioning on a 90 degree day?"

"yes, why"

"Dave, im not the best doctor in the world, but im pretty sure you felt warm from the heat, and the air conditioning in the ER waiting room cooled you down. I suggest next time you wait in the car, to either open the window , or turn on the air conditioning"

"Doc your a genius"

yet another satisfied customer.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

drug seeker

drug seekers are the worst part of being an ER doctor, trying to figure out whose pain is real and who is just there for a drug holiday makes life miserable for us.

as a medical student, i loved working in the ER in colorado, so much so that id come in every night even though i didnt have too. that plus the fact that i was scared of the random wild life and wanted to be around people made me work more.

so a 50 yr old guy came in one day complaining of severe back pain. the doctor and i evaluated him and we decided that he could use 10 percocet to go home with, i thought nothing of it

the next day the same guy walked back into the ER with a different name and different complaint. this time he was having knee pains. since the doctors switch every night, a different one was seeing him. i walked into the room and instantly remembered him.

wtf? does this guy have a twin? the guy looked at me saw that he was fucked and walked out...

the third night in a row same guy walked into the ER with a different name, different story , the nurse was bringing him back to the exam room when i practically bounced into him

"Dont you fucken go home?? i know all the doctors cars, i know when a new ones here so i can get my shit, why are you here!!!"

without waiting for my response, he stormed out.

nurse looked at me and asked, "do you know him?"

"not really, but im pretty sure he just told me i have no life"

Friday, May 7, 2010

steering accident

in a small town in denver called grand junction i was working in the ER one day when the nurse rushes in and says, "60 yr old guy in a steering accident, go see him asap"

steering accident, must have been a terrible car crash that the nurse is so worried, so i rush over and theres a guy sitting in the exam bed gushing blood from the back of his head. so i look it over , order a non contrast head CT to make sure theres no internal bleeding, while i wait for the tech to come by i take a quick history of the accident.

"Sir, were you wearing your seatbelt at the time of the accident?"
"what? no"
damn hicks, never wear the seatbelts, and then they wonder why the have head injuries... "Sir how fast were u going?"

" i dont know, probably a few miles per hour, what kind of question is that??"

"an important one, did you get hit head on? T-boned or from behind? and what kind of car were you in"

"son, what are you talking about, there was no car"

Holy shit this guy must have some major internal bleeding, he cant even remember he was in a car accident. i start flipping out and going through a full nuerological exam...

"sir what day is it, whats your full name and where are we now"
he answers all of those correctly... must have amnesia from the trauma .....

"sir, how did you hit the back of your head on the steering wheel?? were you turning around or something when you got hit? i cant really figure it out"

patient looks at me with a blank look on his face.... shit i need ot check and make sure his pupils arent dilated from all the internal bleeding.... and why arent the other doctors in here yet!!!!!!

finally the tech comes in to get him and takes him for the cat scan...

i start to present the story to the doctor in charge.
this is a 60 yr old male presenting with occipital lobe trauma post motor vehicle accident. patient has no recollection of the accident and complains of 10/10 pain. There is obvious hemorrhaging which will require staples, i sent the patient to get a head ct and ill finish getting the rest of his hx when he gets back. Otherwise patients alert oriented x3 and Cranial Nerves II-XII are grossly intact.

feeling pretty proud of myself for the presentation i look over at the doctor who has the biggest smile in the world.

"is there anything about the story that doesnt fit"

"yes" i say, " i dont get how the hell he hit the back of his head on the steering wheel, i mean hes got to have some severe cervical pain if his neck was rotated so much"

at this point the doctor cant stop laughing, "this isnt NY anymore city boy, he got hit by a steer, not a steering wheel"

i am like, oh, ok well that makes a lot more sense and i walk away still totally confused. i know this guy has to have more trauma than what hes saying. i figure a steer is some country thing so i quickly call katy. she will definitely know what a steer is.

frantically i call and ask her real quick... "what the FUCK is a steer?" she immediately starts giggling and tells me is a big cow with HUGE horns on it

She busts out laughing at me and tells me its an animal, not a car and that they guy must have some serious damage and to get back to work.

for those of us that doesnt know what a steer is, heres the pic

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

my cookie itches

during my obgyn rotation, i was in a small town that had a very high std rate and one of the highest teen pregnancy rates. needless to say i stayed home every night since people got pregnant just by standing too close

when the patient goes into the office, i usually see them first with a nurse and then report the chief complaint to the other doctor.

15 yr old girl comes in and says "my cookie itches"

"im sorry your what?"

"my cookie, it itches"

so your trained to write the patients complaint down word for word. so i write down
15 yr old hispanic female presents to the office with the chief complaint of her cookie itching of 3 day duration.

60 yr old male doctor walks in, reads it and looks at me like im on drugs. "what should the patient do?"

i look at him straight face "hmm, probably not let anyone in the cookie jar"

Saturday, May 1, 2010

are they even?

25 yr old gorgeous blond walks into the obgyn office.
before i even introduce myself she drops her pants. jumps on the table and says
"i want you to fix my pussy"

"ummm excuse me?"

"my pussy lips arent even, the left one gets caught in my jeans"

luckily i was too shocked to say what i was thinking ... they look damn good to me

"i think they look fine"

she sits up, and looks at me, "you think theyre just fine? would you do me?"

i look over at the nurse, shes giggling behind the clipboard
"umm i, dont know, i guess drinks first would be nice?"

Friday, April 30, 2010

why you shouldnt run around naked and fall on random objects

4am in the ER, a 21 yr old male patient walks in complaining of abdominal pain. abdominal pain is very common, so not exactly the thing you run to see. so i walk in and the patient seems a bit on edge, complaining of left sided pain, so i do the usual history taking and find nothing too impressive, maybe just diverticulitis or something benign. finally i go to do the physical exam and i feel a massive solid bump. trying not to look too freaked out and hoping that this isnt like Aliens where its gonna rip out of the stomach and attack me, i calmly ask if hes noticed that lump before.
he denies it, saying its new. and its mobile, so its not like its a tumor, which leaves very few options. so fearing the worst, we get him to x-ray, and all we see is a solid white mass that seems to be in his sigmoid colon. off to surgery we go before whatever that is kills him.

so were in the operating room, and im standing near the patient, right before the surgeon goes in and he whispers to me, "i put a dildo in me and i lost it"
wtfffffF?? how do u lose a dildo????

so it sounds like our guy here had been trying to manually remove it for hours before he finally gave up and came to the ER....

so i quickly whisper this to the surgeon, and he professionally tells me that hes going to shove his arm up the rectum while i have to push down from the abdomen. so we put the patient under anesthesia and get to work. unfortunately the dildo doesn't budge.

too bad its not a vibrator, could have turned it on and let it wiggle out... oh well
i look at the nurse next to me and joke, i bet its a tiny pink one... she laughs

so were forced to cut open the patient and go through the colon to remove the dildo manually. not exactly an easy surgery since anytime you cut the colon theres a risk of infection. but whatever, we start cutting when all of a sudden like a submarine this thing emerges.... the biggest white dildo anyone has ever seen. this thing was 14 inches long, two hands wide. nurses mouths just dropped, i nearly dropped the dildo, doctor looks at me and says "what do u want to do with it"

i dont know, keep it for christmas? maybe use as a flotation device or a weapon? so i say, "lets send it to pathology lab" we laugh...

so we find out that the dildo is too big for any bag we have in the room, we finally get a garbage bag to put it in, while were doing this every nurse in whole floor runs in, looks at the dildo , shrieks and runs out. so i send the dildo to the pathologist. 10 minutes later i get an angry call from them "what the fuck is this"
"i dont know, your the pathologist, you tell me"

so we finish the surgery, and its my job to go and talk to the family outside. so i walk out and there is this hot blond gf of his just sitting there waiting.
so dumbfounded, i start to say "ummmm your boyfriend kinda..."
"yea i know, and i didnt do it" she says

so the next day , i go to do my rounds and check on the patient and there he is with his gf. he says "doc, what should i tell my boss?"
"umm well i guess the dildo isnt the best story to tell him, i guess u can say you had an appendectomy done..."

"well i just wanted you to know that it was an accident, i was running around the house and i fell on it"

riiiiighhhttt "listen, i dont care what you do, or how big a dildo you like to use, but for God sake, get one with the balls attached to it, so it acts like a stopper, that way you wont lose it..."

Saturday, April 24, 2010

police chase

so i was driving down to some redneck town in colorado when i decided i was hungry and wanted kfc. i saw a sign and decided to follow it into some town. not being from small town areas, i didnt realize you have to drive like 5 miles into the town to finally find the food.

so anyway im driving on my way into this town with my new york state license plate on my sporty looking altima with sunroof/moonroof and spoiler when i notice behind me a cop car. whatever no big deal, so i check the speed limit and its an amazing 15 miles per hour. so i make sure im going 14 mph. on one of the turns i look back and theres 2 unmarked black suvs with cops in it now also part of the chase. this ofcourse makes me a little more uncomfortable.

i check the new speed limit and its 5 mph in the town. so im going 5mph down these empty streets trailed by 3 cop cars on the slowest police chase ever and the worst part is the KFC is closed. so i decide to fuck with the cops, i start pulling random left and right hand turns, ofcourse with signal and full stops. and the 3 cops dutifully follow me at ever random turn. finally after 20 minutes they get tired of trailing me and pull up to the side, give me a nod with the hat and drive off.

ull find me under the guinness book of world records for the slowest police chase in history.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

fucken wyoming

The complete list ranks states from low to high, based on the number of speeding tickets issued per capita.

10. Massachusetts

9. Delaware

8. South Carolina

7. New Mexico

6. Maryland

5. Mississippi

4. North Dakota

3. Vermont

2. Wyoming

1. Washington, D.C.

after my second yr i was driving to denver for my third yr rotations with katy and my classmate steven. its about a 1000 mile drive, with nothing but desert and emptiness in between. key for the drive was to hit up all the IN-N-OUTS on the way there. well anyway driving through cali going 100 at 4am in the morning, finally stopping in salt lake city to sleep at some point.

when we got back on the road, we started on some two lane highway with nothing on the road but trucks and literally nothing around the way. at some point i was the lead car while steven was driving behind me going about 90. i saw a cop a few miles behind us, so i called steven and told him to pull to the right and slow down. so we stayed with the trucks on the slow lane for about 20 minutes with the cop behind us.

finally the cop pulled up to the side of steven and passed him. feeling better, i relaxed for a second, then the cop pulled in between us and turned on the lights and pulled me over. our cars were packed with clothes and other stuff we were moving, so i quickly told katy to open up the medical book to the nastiest pictures she could find. looking behind me i realized steven also pulled himself over like a dumbass.

shaking my head, i waited for the officer who went over to steven first and then to me. first thing he says is
"your friend says u were going 90" (fucken dumbass, why would you tell the cop that???)
"no officer, i had the cruise control on going 60"
"well i have you on the radar at 80, how bout the young lady come and look at the radar in my car" (sounds like the beginning of a bad porno)
so needless to say, steven and i both got hit with 300 dollar speeding tickets that we had to mail to the judges house, and thats when we knew we were in wyoming.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

numb all over

last patient of a 30 day pediatric rotation (pediatrics aka army of walking germ bombs waiting to sneeze and cough all over you while their overly aggressive parents scream and demand the best treatment that they see on tv)

mother runs frantically out of the room she was placed in and grabs me. "ive been waiting 5 minutes!"
"ma'am you are next, just wait for us to be done with the other patient and we will be with you in a moment"

she starts flipping out and goes back into the room.
so we finish up the patient and walk in, "my son is numb all over!!! he has no feelings anywhere!"
we look at the mother, look at the son (who is 19 yrs old and just laying there)
"when did this start "(feeling a bit nervous thinking of things that can cause such neurological issues)
"today, he was fine in the morning and now hes numb, and hes slow and confused"
i look at the son, and excuse myself from the room. come back with a bag of doritos and offer it to him while the pediatrician is doing a physical exam. kid takes a handful, i look at the mother and tell her "next time his eyes are bloodshot you might want to ask him how much he smoked up before you bring him to the doctors office".

Monday, April 19, 2010

playing operation

oddly enough i never liked the game Operation, i used to suck at it, id keep hitting the sides and lose

one night in the ER in the middle of a redneck town i was minding my own business when 2 ambulances rushed through and brought my patients in. the first was a white male about 25, big guy with blood all over his face, second was a mexican male about 30 with half his earlobe missing.

so the paramedic looks at me and hes like it was a great barfight, the guy with the nose really needs help, we think his nose is broken and theres a bone sticking out of it but we dont know if its his bone or the guy that nailed him

being a medical student you cant pass that one up, so i walk in, and find out that this guys a bouncer who was minding his own business when he got tapped on the shoulder and decked when he turned around. so i sterilize the area and stop the bleeding and numb it, to have a look, and yep, theres a piece of bone just sticking out, i take a tweezer and tug and it , it doesnt budge, so i take a scissor, snip off the bone and hand it to him. yea that was definitly yours, not his, sorry bud. i stop the bleeding, suture the nose and send him home

Sunday, April 18, 2010

thanks for reading

since i finally figured out how to follow other peoples blogs, its time to thank them for following mine, here are some people you should definitely check out - she got me into this, so blame her for my stories

Saturday, April 17, 2010

strolling in the park

this one is one of my favorites since it was the first memorable case i had as a medical student. i was working in the psychiatric ward in a major denver hospital. on my first day i walked in and introduced myself to the doctor i was working with who quickly told me to go see the lady in room 2 and to just walk away is she spits on me.

wtf? what kinda advice is that???
so i asked for some background info on the lady. well the story was this lady was brought in last night by 6 officers who found her naked in the park. she didnt want to be brought in, so she decided to beat off the cops with rocks. so finally the cops grabbed her and brought her to the ER where she was asked her name and she responded "my name is Polly, give me a fucken cracker" . so needless to say she was named jane doe, age unknown 70+, address and family unknown.

so being a medical student, you think you need to impress everyone around you and that failure isnt an option. so i marched down to room 2. opened the door, which was a 2foot padded steel, and looked inside to find a butt ass naked old saggy lady standing there infront of me. i apologized and quickly closed the door. gave her 5 minutes to dress and opened it again, and there she was standing in the same spot and just as wrinkly as before. so i again apologized, shut the door and walked over to one of the doctors. i asked him what to do with the naked woman, he asked "how old" i was like umm 70?, hes like " why are you staring at a naked old woman for, go get a nurse to put clothes on her!, if she was 20 then wed have a different story"

so i got a nurse and asked her to dress the patient, so were in the room and im off to the side waiting for her to be dressed , and Jane doe yells at the nurse thats helping her "what da ya think your staring at! this aint no peep show!" so finally shes dressed, and i ask her to sit on her bed since theres no chair while i stand with my clipboard at what im guessing is a good spitting safety distance. so the second the door shuts , this lady grabs the clipboard out of my hand and pulls me to sit on the bed near her. she takes the paper and starts writing on it. One big letter per page. First the letter A, then N, then D, taking up all 3 pages, when i ask her to write smaller and use the backs of the pages she backhands me across the chest. luckily a 70 yr old beating me doesnt do much damage but needless to say im not happy as i walk out to get her more paper. as im outside the whole staff of the psych ward is laughing as they watch this all play out on the security camera hidden in the room.

so this makes me even more determined to figure out whats going on in this head of hers. so i walk back in and tell her im writing and for her to tell me the story. smack another backhand.

finally she starts her story, last night she was about to take a bath when she turned on the hot water. the hot water started boiling up to the top of the tub and she couldnt turn it off, so she ran across the street naked to the store called King Soopers, but this specific one was actually called "Queen Soopers" since all the "fags" work there. so she had the manager give her a phone since she doesnt have one at home and she called the super intendant Mr. Bob who didnt pick off. finally she called the fire dept who shut down her water.
then the next day she was walking across the street to the starbucks and in the alley way she saw 3 pennies and "miracles upon miracles, it was the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit shinning up at her" and then all of a sudden she was attacked by 6 cops who beat her and threw her into jail and now here she is.

once again, needless to say my expression was a WTF??? look.

so i thanked her for her time and got up to leave with this crazy story when she tore it out of my hand and told me she couldnt let me leave the room with it and that she was going to sell the story and we could split the "hundreds and hundreds of dollars" that she was going to make off of suing everyone and selling the story.
yayy, hundreds of dollars, i cant wait....

so i walk outside and of course after 2 hours of talking to this lady, the staff has had time for its random jokes and they let me have it. after thier done, i walk over to a computer and i google Queen Soopers, and go figure theres actually a King Soopers known as queen soopers becuase of all the homosexual employees that work there. so i googlemap it and look for a starbucks near it and find one. then i move the map screen to show me the buildings across the street from it and i find 2 apt buildings. i take those addresses and google it to find that one of the apt is a retiremnt home for the elderly and that Mr. Bob is the superintendent. i google that address, get the number and call asking if thier missing a crazy old lady

"oohh you found martha??, weve been looking for her"
so i had this lady come down and ID Jane doe and give us the story. sounds like martha is a massive alcoholic that drinks a bottle of vodka in the mornings for breakfast and another bottle by lunch. she then takes strolls in the park. on this day she was found in a park 7 miles from her apartment.

well the story of martha doesnt end there, for the next 2 weeks she would not talk to any of the staff until i would show up for work. and on her last day there she slipped me her number and told me to drop by her place. needless to say that was the last day i saw Martha

Friday, April 16, 2010

poker face

the most important quality ive learned to have is a solid poker face. for most people they only need it when gambling with money, for doctors its key not to laugh at patients.

during my obgyn rotation (worst month of my life, i gave up porn for that month, never wanted to see another vagina for the rest of my life) i got to deliver 60 babies. everyone thinks thats so great and wonderful. yea its really not. being on the other side of the delivery is one of the most disgusting things ever. not only are you on the recieving end of a woman who hasnt shaved in months, and probably hasnt washed for a few days of sweaty straining, theres the oh so wonderful urination and shitting that are byproducts of telling the woman to push. so while everyone is screaming push push to the mother to be, im yelling "DONT, for Godsake stop pushing!!"
and after all that im supposed to catch this slimy little alien. i have to admit newborns are definitely one of the ugliest things ever, as one lovely mother said "get it the fuck off of me" when i handed her the newborn.

to top it off, some women shouldnt procreate. i was rounding in a hospital in denver, when i stopped by one room to check on a day old baby. the child was named "Orangejello" . ofcourse i did a double take, made sure that someoen didnt drop the hospital food menu list infront of me. so i walk into the room, introduce myself and ask to see how "orange jello' is doing. his mother got quite defensive, and demanded that i pronounce his name "oran-gelo". i didnt know if i should smile or cry for the kid...

Thursday, April 15, 2010


while working in an ER, patient walks in at around 4am complaining of having both his contacts roll to the back of his eyes. i wear contacts, i know it sucks to lose them, so i sat down with him for an hour trying to find them, literally did every test i could to locate them and just couldnt. all i could see was fingerprints and scratches on his eyes from him touching it so much.
so at about 530 i was finally like, listen ,do you even wear contacts? hes like you know what? no actually i dont....
i looked at him , put my head down and just walked away

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

funny story

heard this one in the ER.
in a small town in the south, a mexican lady is brought into the ER ready to deliver her baby. an intern with limited spanish goes to take care of her. instead of getting a translator the doctor tries use whatever spanish he knows to get her to push to get the baby out. so while shes spread and ready to deliver in the ambulance with her husband there the doctor yells in spanish 'puta! puta! puta!' thinking that it means to push, while the ladies furious husband starts flipping out on the doctor who is actually calling his wife 'whore! whore! whore!"

one liner

comment of the day...
i walk into a 40 yr old female patients room, after I introduce myself she says : if i knew you were going to be my doctor i would have brought my twin daughters.