why you shouldnt run around naked and fall on random objects

4am in the ER, a 21 yr old male patient walks in complaining of abdominal pain. abdominal pain is very common, so not exactly the thing you run to see. so i walk in and the patient seems a bit on edge, complaining of left sided pain, so i do the usual history taking and find nothing too impressive, maybe just diverticulitis or something benign. finally i go to do the physical exam and i feel a massive solid bump. trying not to look too freaked out and hoping that this isnt like Aliens where its gonna rip out of the stomach and attack me, i calmly ask if hes noticed that lump before.
he denies it, saying its new. and its mobile, so its not like its a tumor, which leaves very few options. so fearing the worst, we get him to x-ray, and all we see is a solid white mass that seems to be in his sigmoid colon. off to surgery we go before whatever that is kills him.

so were in the operating room, and im standing near the patient, right before the surgeon goes in and he whispers to me, "i put a dildo in me and i lost it"
wtfffffF?? how do u lose a dildo????

so it sounds like our guy here had been trying to manually remove it for hours before he finally gave up and came to the ER....

so i quickly whisper this to the surgeon, and he professionally tells me that hes going to shove his arm up the rectum while i have to push down from the abdomen. so we put the patient under anesthesia and get to work. unfortunately the dildo doesn't budge.

too bad its not a vibrator, could have turned it on and let it wiggle out... oh well
i look at the nurse next to me and joke, i bet its a tiny pink one... she laughs

so were forced to cut open the patient and go through the colon to remove the dildo manually. not exactly an easy surgery since anytime you cut the colon theres a risk of infection. but whatever, we start cutting when all of a sudden like a submarine this thing emerges.... the biggest white dildo anyone has ever seen. this thing was 14 inches long, two hands wide. nurses mouths just dropped, i nearly dropped the dildo, doctor looks at me and says "what do u want to do with it"

i dont know, keep it for christmas? maybe use as a flotation device or a weapon? so i say, "lets send it to pathology lab" we laugh...

so we find out that the dildo is too big for any bag we have in the room, we finally get a garbage bag to put it in, while were doing this every nurse in whole floor runs in, looks at the dildo , shrieks and runs out. so i send the dildo to the pathologist. 10 minutes later i get an angry call from them "what the fuck is this"
"i dont know, your the pathologist, you tell me"

so we finish the surgery, and its my job to go and talk to the family outside. so i walk out and there is this hot blond gf of his just sitting there waiting.
so dumbfounded, i start to say "ummmm your boyfriend kinda..."
"yea i know, and i didnt do it" she says

so the next day , i go to do my rounds and check on the patient and there he is with his gf. he says "doc, what should i tell my boss?"
"umm well i guess the dildo isnt the best story to tell him, i guess u can say you had an appendectomy done..."

"well i just wanted you to know that it was an accident, i was running around the house and i fell on it"

riiiiighhhttt "listen, i dont care what you do, or how big a dildo you like to use, but for God sake, get one with the balls attached to it, so it acts like a stopper, that way you wont lose it..."