Getting your heart racing

comment of the night - I walk into a 30 yr old patients room that the nurses are worried about her low heart rate. Heart rate jumps up from 50 to 87 in 2 seconds. "Well looks like I cured your low heart rate" -- "I'm sure you get all the ladies hearts racing" finally I can market myself - take 1 of Me with food daily

being a magician

last night I had a patient who demanded to leave by EMS from our hospital to another because he was constipated and refused our medications, then after getting mag citrate he complained of the diarrhea, then he complained about not urinating, finally I got called when his left leg became "paralyzed".

naturally I had to jab him in the leg with a sharp object to make sure he had good pain reception. his leg jumped up.

move over Jesus, I can cure paralysis. :) i love my job

going down

while sitting at the nurses station working on the computer, i notice a 50 yr old lady walk toward the two elevators and stand in front of them waiting. so I go back to my work when she mutters to herself "which one goes down?"

so i look over again and shes standing there without pressing the elevator button and still looking at the 2 elevators. "i hate elevators, why isnt it going down"

like watching a train wreck, I sit there for another minute while she waits patiently. finally feeling bad, i walk over and press the down arrow and the elevator opens up and i go to sit down. she gets in it. door closes and for the next minute the elevator stays on the same floor. she was standing in side of it not pressing anything again.

finally someone from the floor above pressed the button and the elevator went up, picked up the new passenger and then reopened on my floor with the lady still in it. Completely shocked at what im watching , i got into the elevator, pressed the first floor and rode it down with her.

Looking at her with a shocked / retarded expression, i asked her if shes feeling fine

she looks at me deadpan "ofcourse im fine, why?"

oh i dont know maybe the fact that you dont know how to use an elevator, maybe the fact that you stood infront of it for it to magically open for you, or maybe the fact that you stood in it for a minute not known why the elevator wasnt moving..... but all i could say was "oh you look tired"

watched the elevator open on the first floor and her leave, not believing what just happened.

pain in the ass

23 yr old girl comes it with a toothache.

So i walk in and theres a cute blonde laying on her side in pain. So i go in and have her open her mmouth and theres an obvious cavity. oddly enough im not a dentist, so the best i can do is give penicillin and pain meds, so as im walking out, she says..

"doctor, this is really embarrassing... but my butt hurts alot..."
wtf? tooth ache and butt ache together? what did she bite herself in the ass?


"umm okay. whats bothering you there?"
"well it hurts when i strain since ive been constipated for the past week"
"okay, well, let me get a nurse and then ill have a look, and ill check for any blood"
"yea theres been blood too"
---- wonderful


so obvious things are hemorrhoids or anal fissures

so i have a look, and yup theres a cut in her ass thats hurting her.
ok so i turn to leave again, and shes like

"doctor, this is embarrassing, but..."
oh jesus now what????

" but i was wondering could this be from anal sex?"
"yes, when did you have anal?"

"about a day before it started bleeding and hurting"
"yea im pretty sure its from that"

"well could i still have anal? i really like it"
"um, yea sure, but id wait atleast two weeks for it to heal"

" umm one more questions , do you like anal sex?"
" umm i need to get to my other patients, ill get you some cream for your butt pain"

twins

sorry for the long wait, with my move and new job its been a mess with the hours
but on the bright side it brings new stories

25 yr old woman comes in with her 1 yr old baby and her best friend. The patient says shes pregnant with twins, and that shes afraid something happened to them because her bf tossed her around the house today and that she hasnt felt them move.

Obviously this is very distressing news, so i start to ask the patient questions about this
"when was the last time you felt the babies move?"
"yesterday, my friends 5 months pregnant like me, we felt it together"

she states that she just came from another hospital where they refused to do an ultrasound of her belly since it was part midnight and they dont perform those until 5am. so I got ready to do the ultrasound myself , but before i did that i ordered some labs on her, a urine HCG (pregnancy test) and a serum HCG (more accurate since its from the blood) .

The urine pregnancy came back negative.... a bit odd since even though it could be negative you wouldnt expect it to be with twins at 5months.

Serum HCG came back negative too.... wtf? even if she got tossed around the room and had a miscarriage the values would be high enough for a month. how could she have felt the babies move yesterday if shes not pregnant????

so i walked into the room, looked at the lady laying down and asked, "which obgyn have you seen?"
"oh the one at .... Hospital"

so i went back to my desk, called the hospital, pulled up the records there, and guess what
shes never gone to the OB there, shes made up the whole pregnancy.

and thats why the other hospital refused to do an ultrasound of her stomach, theres nothing there to ultrasound.....

i went back in told her that shes not pregnant and hasnt been for a month, guess her reaction?

not shocked at all.... go figure....

the friend (whose been lied to the whole time) demanded she be ultrasounded, so i figured its time to prove to them both theres nothing there, did the ultrasound, found no babies, printed it and gave it to them to frame.

my patients are special.

Guest Blogger

the first guest blog was a great story and people loved it , heres a new one from Kelli. once again its from the point of view of the patient, i know ull find it hilarious, i did.

Rectal Examination

By Kelli Petersen

One evening, I discovered blood in my poop. (Hey, if you can’t talk candidly to the Internet, then who can you talk to?) I’m not usually the kind of person who checks out bowel movements—unlike my boyfriend who not only examines it, but also takes an occasional picture and texts it to his friends. But as I reached over to flush the toilet, I saw a flash of bright red in my peripheral vision. I glanced down and saw small streams of blood lacing on and through the poop.

I made a sound like “muleh!” then started to flush the toilet, before pausing to wonder if I should somehow stick the poop in a plastic baggy. Would a doctor need to actually see it or have it tested? I decided a camera phone picture would suffice.

The next morning, I called my doctor’s office from work. Note to self: sitting at the front desk while fielding incoming calls and greeting visitors is not the place to call your doctor about bloody poop. The conversation went something like this:

Nurse: …and what is the problem you are experiencing?

Me: Um, well, it’s complicated…so, um, I think I may be sick?

Nurse: Sick with what?

Me: Well, there was something, uh, strangeaboutmypoop…last night…

Nurse: I’m sorry?

Me: Therewasbloodinmypoop…that’s why I need to make an appointment…

And so on. I was finally able to secure an appointment for the next day. Unfortunately, upon signing in for my visit, I was faced with sharing my problem with the front desk staff. C’mon, do they really need to know? I wondered. I gave the same stunted explanation as on the phone, except with hand gestures filling in wherever “bowel movement” should have been said.

Finally I was in the private examining room where I could speak openly about the issue. The doctor sat on a stool, slightly lower than the table upon which I sat, naked from the waist down, covered with what seemed to be an enormous paper towel. She asked about the color and consistency of the blood. Was it a dark red or brown? Or was it bright red?

Proudly, I pulled out my camera phone and declared, “I took a picture!” She stared at me for a moment before waving it away, asking, “How about you just tell me about it?” I described the poop in detail, adding creative flourishes here and there: “I would say the blood was the color of a red apple, freshly plucked from a tree.”

I answered more questions: no, I wasn’t constipated; no, I wasn’t feeling nauseous; no, I wasn’t allergic to anything. Finally, the doctor set the clipboard down and instructed me to lie down. Being a woman, I was well accustomed to being pants-less at a doctor’s office, so I shimmied down, ready to put my feet in the stirrups.

“I’m going to have you turn on your side, actually. Facing toward the window.”

Awkwardly, I turned onto my side, as the doctor snapped on latex gloves and rolled her stool behind me, putting her face level with my butt.

“Uh…should I, um, do anything?”

“Just relax, this may feel a bit uncomfortable.”

While looking out the window, I felt her spread my buttocks apart and put a finger inside the hole. “Try not to clench,” she instructed.

Taking her cue, I forced myself to relax and quickly found my thoughts drifting to sex. While she probed and examined, I dreamily looked out the window and focused on not moaning. In my head, the doctor had become a sexy 20-something man with strong arms, and who didn’t really have to do an anal exam (I was only there for an annual check-up, after all), but “just wanted to make sure everything looked good down there.”

The doctor said something, which I missed. “Excuse me?” I hadn’t realized she had pulled away from the table and was making notes on her clipboard.

“Everything looks good down there. My guess is it was a bit of food poisoning, something your body didn’t like. Keep an eye on it and let me know if it gets worse or if you feel pain.”

“Oh, uh, okay. Thanks!” I smoothed my hair which, strangely, seemed to be more unkempt than when I arrived.

She paused for a moment, looking as if she had smelled something strange, then said, “You’re…welcome?” She quickly left the room, closing the door behind her.

I hopped off the table and pulled on my pants. Feeling more refreshed than I had in days, I swung open the door, and giddily walked out of the office.

http://BohoInTheBurbs.blogspot.com

Guest Blogger

Since my posts are all from the doctors point of view, its time to hear how weird and awkward it is from the patients point of view. So here is Jeffrey with a funny story of his own, thanks for writting it for us. if anyone else is interested in posting their own, let me know

So first allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jeffrey, I blog over at www.fartooimportantblog.blogspot.com and this story was about the romantic experience that occurred as a result of an inflamed appendix. Let me set the scene. The town of State College in Central Pennsylvania. November, snow had already fallen and accumulated fairly high. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving (I remember because there was a thanksgiving themed episode of "Top Chef"). 2AM...

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and knew something was wrong? Well it happened to me last November. I woke up with the most severe pain in my right side. Believe it or not, I had had appendix problems before, but it had never been serious enough to take out. Well, after calling the hospital, they seriously told me that I should come to the hospital. I had just moved to a new state for grad school and didn't know the area well. As I was riding down in the elevator of my apartment building, I was trying to focus through the pain and remember where the hospital was. I finally got to my car and realized "dammit, I don't have my glasses." Was I about to waste more time and go back upstairs? No.

By the grace of a higher power, I managed to find the hospital. I checked in and when through all the paperwork. They finally take me back and this poor man has been tasked to put an IV in me. Needles and I do not get along. Not only did it feel like it took forever, I think I may have scared the man away from his chosen profession with my, considerably non-masculine weeping and screaming(because of the pain). I finally get some morphine in me, and I'm doing pretty good. The entire time I'm thinking, any second now they're going to come get me. Two hours later, I have fallen asleep. Yet again, I am awakened by the most dreadful pain you can imagine. I practically screamed at the top of my lungs. The poor man who had put the IV in me was doing the same to my mysterious unseen neighbor behind the paper wall. As I'm writhing in pain, he's coaching me like I'm giving birth. Well let me say, if giving birth was a fraction of what I felt, I have so much more respect for my mother.

Well, before they can get some more morphine in me, they decide this is the optimal time to come get me for the X-ray. At this point, I don't remember much. I remember lying on the machine, but that's about it. They must have given me something good without me noticing.

Next thing I know, I'm being woken up and told I have to have surgery ASAP and they need signatures. I manage to call my mother and my classmate. Next thing I know I'm in this room asking about things like "could you wax me instead of shave?" and "if you want to suck some fat out while you're in there, I'd appreciate it" with the nurse who was attending me. I'm still fairly loopy and unsure whether my candidness is a coping mechanism or drugs.

The doctor finally comes in to talk to me. He's talking. Naturally, I'm not understanding a word of it. Whether it was the big words or the drugs, I'm not sure. Finally, I stop him. He's looking at me like he thinks I have a question for him. Apparently, I did. I found out later that the words that then came out of my mouth are "Damn, You're cute. After this is over, you wanna go out?" From then on I really have no recollection of what happened until I woke up to see my professor looming over me. I was sure that I had died and gone to hell.

Well fast forward a week or two. I was recovering. I had already been to a physician to have my staples out and everything. I get a call from the doctor, but it didn't come up as the doctor's office which was in my phone. And we chat briefly about my recovery. About 5 minutes in he says "well, what I'm really calling about is...(pause)... you said you might want to hang out sometime and I was calling to see if you were still interested." Well damn, a doctor was asking me out. And his good looks had, indeed, not been a hallucination. He was fairly handsome for someone nearly twice my age. Me 23, him 45. We met a few times. We went out for a fancy dinner (in central Pennsylvania fancy is a relative term) and bowling (I schooled him so badly). We chatted a few more times, but, sadly, it didn't work out. However, I later discovered when the hospital bill came that, what my insurance hadn't covered, he had taken care of. I called and thanked him, and we still chat sometimes. In the end, it was a surprisingly fun experience, except for the painful part.

dipping

while on my pediatric rotation i had a 16 yr old girl come into the office with her mother complaining of abdominal pain on both sides. the girl had a slight fever as well so I took a thorough history of the complaints and previous medical conditions. when i came up to the part of the sexual history and drug use history, i always ask the patients parents to leave the room since kids always lie and that they all seem to be saints. this girl actually said "no, i want her to be here"
the mother looked at me and said "we are very open with eachother since her abortion"
odd, but thats cool i guess.... "ok is there any possibility you are pregnant again?"
"no, i havent had sex since the abortion 9 months ago" she said with a smile..
"ok, any drug or alcohol use in the past?"
"no, no drugs or alcohol" she said
" do you smoke?"
"never"

ok, well to be honest i wont know whats wrong unless we do an abdominal catscan, and a blood draw to check her enzymes, liver function, kidney function and also a Urine analysis and a pelvic exam, your mom can wait outside if youd like.

"no, i want her here"
"ok" so i get a nurse to draw the blood and stand by as i do the pelvic exam, quick swab and a bimanual exam (aka 2 fingers to check if theres any tenderness) and the next thing i know the girl and mother are competing for my attention and flirting with me. they go from asking me questions about my life to the daughter grinding her hips on my fingers. the look of shock on my face should have given it away, but the mother was too busy checking my ass out to care.

so i quickly backed off, pulled the glove off, tossed it in the garbage and ran to wash my hands and left the room before i got molested anymore.

so after washing 3 times, i came back ot speak with hte patient and informed her that we would send all the samples to the lab and that i would call her with the results. she gave me her mothers cell phone number and told me it was fine to speak to the mother since she would be in school during the day.

so a few days passed, the cat scan was normal, all the labs were normal, she wasnt pregnant either. so i was waiting on the STD screening and ofcourse she had chlamydia. go figure the Virgin Mary of chlamydia.

so i waited till 5pm hoping that the patient would be home so i wouldnt have to tell her mother, and ofcourse she wasnt. so the mother picks up and i tell her the results and that I would call in a prescription for antibiotics at her pharmacy.

the mother is silent for a second. then starts yelling "that bastard is dipping his wick in her again!!!!"

every day Dave

some patients for one reason or another come to the ER every single day with random concerns. most of these patients are psych cases, some have major anxiety issues and some are just lonely and want human interaction. either way they all get the full work up and need to be taken seriously even though you know 99.9% of the time its nothing at all.

we had one guy called "every day dave". literally he would show up every single day. the guy was atleast very nice about it, so it wasnt that big a pain to see him. in the one month that i worked at the ER in philly I saw him 11 times myself.

my favorite story from him was on a 90 degree philly summer day. Every day dave walks into the ER complaining that he doesnt feel right. So i walk into the room, look at him and hes sitting all happy in the chair.

"Doc im sorry"

"Dont be sorry, whats wrong"

"im sorry, i shouldnt be here" he says

"well just tell me whats going on"

"well i was sitting in the car, waiting for my gf to get done at the gym, and i turned off the car, about an hour later i felt weird and i came to the ER. but the minute i got here i felt so much better, and now i want to go home"

"Im sorry Dave, did you say that you were sitting in the car, with no air conditioning on a 90 degree day?"

"yes, why"

"Dave, im not the best doctor in the world, but im pretty sure you felt warm from the heat, and the air conditioning in the ER waiting room cooled you down. I suggest next time you wait in the car, to either open the window , or turn on the air conditioning"

"Doc your a genius"

yet another satisfied customer.

my cookie itches

during my obgyn rotation, i was in a small town that had a very high std rate and one of the highest teen pregnancy rates. needless to say i stayed home every night since people got pregnant just by standing too close

when the patient goes into the office, i usually see them first with a nurse and then report the chief complaint to the other doctor.

15 yr old girl comes in and says "my cookie itches"

"im sorry your what?"

"my cookie, it itches"

so your trained to write the patients complaint down word for word. so i write down
15 yr old hispanic female presents to the office with the chief complaint of her cookie itching of 3 day duration.

60 yr old male doctor walks in, reads it and looks at me like im on drugs. "what should the patient do?"

i look at him straight face "hmm, probably not let anyone in the cookie jar"

why you shouldnt run around naked and fall on random objects

4am in the ER, a 21 yr old male patient walks in complaining of abdominal pain. abdominal pain is very common, so not exactly the thing you run to see. so i walk in and the patient seems a bit on edge, complaining of left sided pain, so i do the usual history taking and find nothing too impressive, maybe just diverticulitis or something benign. finally i go to do the physical exam and i feel a massive solid bump. trying not to look too freaked out and hoping that this isnt like Aliens where its gonna rip out of the stomach and attack me, i calmly ask if hes noticed that lump before.
he denies it, saying its new. and its mobile, so its not like its a tumor, which leaves very few options. so fearing the worst, we get him to x-ray, and all we see is a solid white mass that seems to be in his sigmoid colon. off to surgery we go before whatever that is kills him.

so were in the operating room, and im standing near the patient, right before the surgeon goes in and he whispers to me, "i put a dildo in me and i lost it"
wtfffffF?? how do u lose a dildo????

so it sounds like our guy here had been trying to manually remove it for hours before he finally gave up and came to the ER....

so i quickly whisper this to the surgeon, and he professionally tells me that hes going to shove his arm up the rectum while i have to push down from the abdomen. so we put the patient under anesthesia and get to work. unfortunately the dildo doesn't budge.

too bad its not a vibrator, could have turned it on and let it wiggle out... oh well
i look at the nurse next to me and joke, i bet its a tiny pink one... she laughs

so were forced to cut open the patient and go through the colon to remove the dildo manually. not exactly an easy surgery since anytime you cut the colon theres a risk of infection. but whatever, we start cutting when all of a sudden like a submarine this thing emerges.... the biggest white dildo anyone has ever seen. this thing was 14 inches long, two hands wide. nurses mouths just dropped, i nearly dropped the dildo, doctor looks at me and says "what do u want to do with it"

i dont know, keep it for christmas? maybe use as a flotation device or a weapon? so i say, "lets send it to pathology lab" we laugh...

so we find out that the dildo is too big for any bag we have in the room, we finally get a garbage bag to put it in, while were doing this every nurse in whole floor runs in, looks at the dildo , shrieks and runs out. so i send the dildo to the pathologist. 10 minutes later i get an angry call from them "what the fuck is this"
"i dont know, your the pathologist, you tell me"

so we finish the surgery, and its my job to go and talk to the family outside. so i walk out and there is this hot blond gf of his just sitting there waiting.
so dumbfounded, i start to say "ummmm your boyfriend kinda..."
"yea i know, and i didnt do it" she says

so the next day , i go to do my rounds and check on the patient and there he is with his gf. he says "doc, what should i tell my boss?"
"umm well i guess the dildo isnt the best story to tell him, i guess u can say you had an appendectomy done..."

"well i just wanted you to know that it was an accident, i was running around the house and i fell on it"

riiiiighhhttt "listen, i dont care what you do, or how big a dildo you like to use, but for God sake, get one with the balls attached to it, so it acts like a stopper, that way you wont lose it..."

fucken wyoming

The complete list ranks states from low to high, based on the number of speeding tickets issued per capita.

10. Massachusetts

9. Delaware

8. South Carolina

7. New Mexico

6. Maryland

5. Mississippi

4. North Dakota

3. Vermont

2. Wyoming

1. Washington, D.C.



after my second yr i was driving to denver for my third yr rotations with katy and my classmate steven. its about a 1000 mile drive, with nothing but desert and emptiness in between. key for the drive was to hit up all the IN-N-OUTS on the way there. well anyway driving through cali going 100 at 4am in the morning, finally stopping in salt lake city to sleep at some point.

when we got back on the road, we started on some two lane highway with nothing on the road but trucks and literally nothing around the way. at some point i was the lead car while steven was driving behind me going about 90. i saw a cop a few miles behind us, so i called steven and told him to pull to the right and slow down. so we stayed with the trucks on the slow lane for about 20 minutes with the cop behind us.

finally the cop pulled up to the side of steven and passed him. feeling better, i relaxed for a second, then the cop pulled in between us and turned on the lights and pulled me over. our cars were packed with clothes and other stuff we were moving, so i quickly told katy to open up the medical book to the nastiest pictures she could find. looking behind me i realized steven also pulled himself over like a dumbass.

shaking my head, i waited for the officer who went over to steven first and then to me. first thing he says is
"your friend says u were going 90" (fucken dumbass, why would you tell the cop that???)
"no officer, i had the cruise control on going 60"
"well i have you on the radar at 80, how bout the young lady come and look at the radar in my car" (sounds like the beginning of a bad porno)
so needless to say, steven and i both got hit with 300 dollar speeding tickets that we had to mail to the judges house, and thats when we knew we were in wyoming.

numb all over

last patient of a 30 day pediatric rotation (pediatrics aka army of walking germ bombs waiting to sneeze and cough all over you while their overly aggressive parents scream and demand the best treatment that they see on tv)

mother runs frantically out of the room she was placed in and grabs me. "ive been waiting 5 minutes!"
"ma'am you are next, just wait for us to be done with the other patient and we will be with you in a moment"

she starts flipping out and goes back into the room.
so we finish up the patient and walk in, "my son is numb all over!!! he has no feelings anywhere!"
we look at the mother, look at the son (who is 19 yrs old and just laying there)
"when did this start "(feeling a bit nervous thinking of things that can cause such neurological issues)
"today, he was fine in the morning and now hes numb, and hes slow and confused"
i look at the son, and excuse myself from the room. come back with a bag of doritos and offer it to him while the pediatrician is doing a physical exam. kid takes a handful, i look at the mother and tell her "next time his eyes are bloodshot you might want to ask him how much he smoked up before you bring him to the doctors office".

strolling in the park

this one is one of my favorites since it was the first memorable case i had as a medical student. i was working in the psychiatric ward in a major denver hospital. on my first day i walked in and introduced myself to the doctor i was working with who quickly told me to go see the lady in room 2 and to just walk away is she spits on me.

wtf? what kinda advice is that???
so i asked for some background info on the lady. well the story was this lady was brought in last night by 6 officers who found her naked in the park. she didnt want to be brought in, so she decided to beat off the cops with rocks. so finally the cops grabbed her and brought her to the ER where she was asked her name and she responded "my name is Polly, give me a fucken cracker" . so needless to say she was named jane doe, age unknown 70+, address and family unknown.

so being a medical student, you think you need to impress everyone around you and that failure isnt an option. so i marched down to room 2. opened the door, which was a 2foot padded steel, and looked inside to find a butt ass naked old saggy lady standing there infront of me. i apologized and quickly closed the door. gave her 5 minutes to dress and opened it again, and there she was standing in the same spot and just as wrinkly as before. so i again apologized, shut the door and walked over to one of the doctors. i asked him what to do with the naked woman, he asked "how old" i was like umm 70?, hes like " why are you staring at a naked old woman for, go get a nurse to put clothes on her!, if she was 20 then wed have a different story"

so i got a nurse and asked her to dress the patient, so were in the room and im off to the side waiting for her to be dressed , and Jane doe yells at the nurse thats helping her "what da ya think your staring at! this aint no peep show!" so finally shes dressed, and i ask her to sit on her bed since theres no chair while i stand with my clipboard at what im guessing is a good spitting safety distance. so the second the door shuts , this lady grabs the clipboard out of my hand and pulls me to sit on the bed near her. she takes the paper and starts writing on it. One big letter per page. First the letter A, then N, then D, taking up all 3 pages, when i ask her to write smaller and use the backs of the pages she backhands me across the chest. luckily a 70 yr old beating me doesnt do much damage but needless to say im not happy as i walk out to get her more paper. as im outside the whole staff of the psych ward is laughing as they watch this all play out on the security camera hidden in the room.

so this makes me even more determined to figure out whats going on in this head of hers. so i walk back in and tell her im writing and for her to tell me the story. smack another backhand.

finally she starts her story, last night she was about to take a bath when she turned on the hot water. the hot water started boiling up to the top of the tub and she couldnt turn it off, so she ran across the street naked to the store called King Soopers, but this specific one was actually called "Queen Soopers" since all the "fags" work there. so she had the manager give her a phone since she doesnt have one at home and she called the super intendant Mr. Bob who didnt pick off. finally she called the fire dept who shut down her water.
then the next day she was walking across the street to the starbucks and in the alley way she saw 3 pennies and "miracles upon miracles, it was the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit shinning up at her" and then all of a sudden she was attacked by 6 cops who beat her and threw her into jail and now here she is.

once again, needless to say my expression was a WTF??? look.

so i thanked her for her time and got up to leave with this crazy story when she tore it out of my hand and told me she couldnt let me leave the room with it and that she was going to sell the story and we could split the "hundreds and hundreds of dollars" that she was going to make off of suing everyone and selling the story.
yayy, hundreds of dollars, i cant wait....

so i walk outside and of course after 2 hours of talking to this lady, the staff has had time for its random jokes and they let me have it. after thier done, i walk over to a computer and i google Queen Soopers, and go figure theres actually a King Soopers known as queen soopers becuase of all the homosexual employees that work there. so i googlemap it and look for a starbucks near it and find one. then i move the map screen to show me the buildings across the street from it and i find 2 apt buildings. i take those addresses and google it to find that one of the apt is a retiremnt home for the elderly and that Mr. Bob is the superintendent. i google that address, get the number and call asking if thier missing a crazy old lady

"oohh you found martha??, weve been looking for her"
so i had this lady come down and ID Jane doe and give us the story. sounds like martha is a massive alcoholic that drinks a bottle of vodka in the mornings for breakfast and another bottle by lunch. she then takes strolls in the park. on this day she was found in a park 7 miles from her apartment.

well the story of martha doesnt end there, for the next 2 weeks she would not talk to any of the staff until i would show up for work. and on her last day there she slipped me her number and told me to drop by her place. needless to say that was the last day i saw Martha

poker face

the most important quality ive learned to have is a solid poker face. for most people they only need it when gambling with money, for doctors its key not to laugh at patients.

during my obgyn rotation (worst month of my life, i gave up porn for that month, never wanted to see another vagina for the rest of my life) i got to deliver 60 babies. everyone thinks thats so great and wonderful. yea its really not. being on the other side of the delivery is one of the most disgusting things ever. not only are you on the recieving end of a woman who hasnt shaved in months, and probably hasnt washed for a few days of sweaty straining, theres the oh so wonderful urination and shitting that are byproducts of telling the woman to push. so while everyone is screaming push push to the mother to be, im yelling "DONT, for Godsake stop pushing!!"
and after all that im supposed to catch this slimy little alien. i have to admit newborns are definitely one of the ugliest things ever, as one lovely mother said "get it the fuck off of me" when i handed her the newborn.

to top it off, some women shouldnt procreate. i was rounding in a hospital in denver, when i stopped by one room to check on a day old baby. the child was named "Orangejello" . ofcourse i did a double take, made sure that someoen didnt drop the hospital food menu list infront of me. so i walk into the room, introduce myself and ask to see how "orange jello' is doing. his mother got quite defensive, and demanded that i pronounce his name "oran-gelo". i didnt know if i should smile or cry for the kid...

contacts

while working in an ER, patient walks in at around 4am complaining of having both his contacts roll to the back of his eyes. i wear contacts, i know it sucks to lose them, so i sat down with him for an hour trying to find them, literally did every test i could to locate them and just couldnt. all i could see was fingerprints and scratches on his eyes from him touching it so much.
so at about 530 i was finally like, listen ,do you even wear contacts? hes like you know what? no actually i dont....
i looked at him , put my head down and just walked away

funny story

heard this one in the ER.
in a small town in the south, a mexican lady is brought into the ER ready to deliver her baby. an intern with limited spanish goes to take care of her. instead of getting a translator the doctor tries use whatever spanish he knows to get her to push to get the baby out. so while shes spread and ready to deliver in the ambulance with her husband there the doctor yells in spanish 'puta! puta! puta!' thinking that it means to push, while the ladies furious husband starts flipping out on the doctor who is actually calling his wife 'whore! whore! whore!"

one liner

comment of the day...
i walk into a 40 yr old female patients room, after I introduce myself she says : if i knew you were going to be my doctor i would have brought my twin daughters.