being a magician

last night I had a patient who demanded to leave by EMS from our hospital to another because he was constipated and refused our medications, then after getting mag citrate he complained of the diarrhea, then he complained about not urinating, finally I got called when his left leg became "paralyzed".

naturally I had to jab him in the leg with a sharp object to make sure he had good pain reception. his leg jumped up.

move over Jesus, I can cure paralysis. :) i love my job

twins

sorry for the long wait, with my move and new job its been a mess with the hours
but on the bright side it brings new stories

25 yr old woman comes in with her 1 yr old baby and her best friend. The patient says shes pregnant with twins, and that shes afraid something happened to them because her bf tossed her around the house today and that she hasnt felt them move.

Obviously this is very distressing news, so i start to ask the patient questions about this
"when was the last time you felt the babies move?"
"yesterday, my friends 5 months pregnant like me, we felt it together"

she states that she just came from another hospital where they refused to do an ultrasound of her belly since it was part midnight and they dont perform those until 5am. so I got ready to do the ultrasound myself , but before i did that i ordered some labs on her, a urine HCG (pregnancy test) and a serum HCG (more accurate since its from the blood) .

The urine pregnancy came back negative.... a bit odd since even though it could be negative you wouldnt expect it to be with twins at 5months.

Serum HCG came back negative too.... wtf? even if she got tossed around the room and had a miscarriage the values would be high enough for a month. how could she have felt the babies move yesterday if shes not pregnant????

so i walked into the room, looked at the lady laying down and asked, "which obgyn have you seen?"
"oh the one at .... Hospital"

so i went back to my desk, called the hospital, pulled up the records there, and guess what
shes never gone to the OB there, shes made up the whole pregnancy.

and thats why the other hospital refused to do an ultrasound of her stomach, theres nothing there to ultrasound.....

i went back in told her that shes not pregnant and hasnt been for a month, guess her reaction?

not shocked at all.... go figure....

the friend (whose been lied to the whole time) demanded she be ultrasounded, so i figured its time to prove to them both theres nothing there, did the ultrasound, found no babies, printed it and gave it to them to frame.

my patients are special.

strolling in the park

this one is one of my favorites since it was the first memorable case i had as a medical student. i was working in the psychiatric ward in a major denver hospital. on my first day i walked in and introduced myself to the doctor i was working with who quickly told me to go see the lady in room 2 and to just walk away is she spits on me.

wtf? what kinda advice is that???
so i asked for some background info on the lady. well the story was this lady was brought in last night by 6 officers who found her naked in the park. she didnt want to be brought in, so she decided to beat off the cops with rocks. so finally the cops grabbed her and brought her to the ER where she was asked her name and she responded "my name is Polly, give me a fucken cracker" . so needless to say she was named jane doe, age unknown 70+, address and family unknown.

so being a medical student, you think you need to impress everyone around you and that failure isnt an option. so i marched down to room 2. opened the door, which was a 2foot padded steel, and looked inside to find a butt ass naked old saggy lady standing there infront of me. i apologized and quickly closed the door. gave her 5 minutes to dress and opened it again, and there she was standing in the same spot and just as wrinkly as before. so i again apologized, shut the door and walked over to one of the doctors. i asked him what to do with the naked woman, he asked "how old" i was like umm 70?, hes like " why are you staring at a naked old woman for, go get a nurse to put clothes on her!, if she was 20 then wed have a different story"

so i got a nurse and asked her to dress the patient, so were in the room and im off to the side waiting for her to be dressed , and Jane doe yells at the nurse thats helping her "what da ya think your staring at! this aint no peep show!" so finally shes dressed, and i ask her to sit on her bed since theres no chair while i stand with my clipboard at what im guessing is a good spitting safety distance. so the second the door shuts , this lady grabs the clipboard out of my hand and pulls me to sit on the bed near her. she takes the paper and starts writing on it. One big letter per page. First the letter A, then N, then D, taking up all 3 pages, when i ask her to write smaller and use the backs of the pages she backhands me across the chest. luckily a 70 yr old beating me doesnt do much damage but needless to say im not happy as i walk out to get her more paper. as im outside the whole staff of the psych ward is laughing as they watch this all play out on the security camera hidden in the room.

so this makes me even more determined to figure out whats going on in this head of hers. so i walk back in and tell her im writing and for her to tell me the story. smack another backhand.

finally she starts her story, last night she was about to take a bath when she turned on the hot water. the hot water started boiling up to the top of the tub and she couldnt turn it off, so she ran across the street naked to the store called King Soopers, but this specific one was actually called "Queen Soopers" since all the "fags" work there. so she had the manager give her a phone since she doesnt have one at home and she called the super intendant Mr. Bob who didnt pick off. finally she called the fire dept who shut down her water.
then the next day she was walking across the street to the starbucks and in the alley way she saw 3 pennies and "miracles upon miracles, it was the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit shinning up at her" and then all of a sudden she was attacked by 6 cops who beat her and threw her into jail and now here she is.

once again, needless to say my expression was a WTF??? look.

so i thanked her for her time and got up to leave with this crazy story when she tore it out of my hand and told me she couldnt let me leave the room with it and that she was going to sell the story and we could split the "hundreds and hundreds of dollars" that she was going to make off of suing everyone and selling the story.
yayy, hundreds of dollars, i cant wait....

so i walk outside and of course after 2 hours of talking to this lady, the staff has had time for its random jokes and they let me have it. after thier done, i walk over to a computer and i google Queen Soopers, and go figure theres actually a King Soopers known as queen soopers becuase of all the homosexual employees that work there. so i googlemap it and look for a starbucks near it and find one. then i move the map screen to show me the buildings across the street from it and i find 2 apt buildings. i take those addresses and google it to find that one of the apt is a retiremnt home for the elderly and that Mr. Bob is the superintendent. i google that address, get the number and call asking if thier missing a crazy old lady

"oohh you found martha??, weve been looking for her"
so i had this lady come down and ID Jane doe and give us the story. sounds like martha is a massive alcoholic that drinks a bottle of vodka in the mornings for breakfast and another bottle by lunch. she then takes strolls in the park. on this day she was found in a park 7 miles from her apartment.

well the story of martha doesnt end there, for the next 2 weeks she would not talk to any of the staff until i would show up for work. and on her last day there she slipped me her number and told me to drop by her place. needless to say that was the last day i saw Martha