Friday, April 30, 2010

why you shouldnt run around naked and fall on random objects

4am in the ER, a 21 yr old male patient walks in complaining of abdominal pain. abdominal pain is very common, so not exactly the thing you run to see. so i walk in and the patient seems a bit on edge, complaining of left sided pain, so i do the usual history taking and find nothing too impressive, maybe just diverticulitis or something benign. finally i go to do the physical exam and i feel a massive solid bump. trying not to look too freaked out and hoping that this isnt like Aliens where its gonna rip out of the stomach and attack me, i calmly ask if hes noticed that lump before.
he denies it, saying its new. and its mobile, so its not like its a tumor, which leaves very few options. so fearing the worst, we get him to x-ray, and all we see is a solid white mass that seems to be in his sigmoid colon. off to surgery we go before whatever that is kills him.

so were in the operating room, and im standing near the patient, right before the surgeon goes in and he whispers to me, "i put a dildo in me and i lost it"
wtfffffF?? how do u lose a dildo????

so it sounds like our guy here had been trying to manually remove it for hours before he finally gave up and came to the ER....

so i quickly whisper this to the surgeon, and he professionally tells me that hes going to shove his arm up the rectum while i have to push down from the abdomen. so we put the patient under anesthesia and get to work. unfortunately the dildo doesn't budge.

too bad its not a vibrator, could have turned it on and let it wiggle out... oh well
i look at the nurse next to me and joke, i bet its a tiny pink one... she laughs

so were forced to cut open the patient and go through the colon to remove the dildo manually. not exactly an easy surgery since anytime you cut the colon theres a risk of infection. but whatever, we start cutting when all of a sudden like a submarine this thing emerges.... the biggest white dildo anyone has ever seen. this thing was 14 inches long, two hands wide. nurses mouths just dropped, i nearly dropped the dildo, doctor looks at me and says "what do u want to do with it"

i dont know, keep it for christmas? maybe use as a flotation device or a weapon? so i say, "lets send it to pathology lab" we laugh...

so we find out that the dildo is too big for any bag we have in the room, we finally get a garbage bag to put it in, while were doing this every nurse in whole floor runs in, looks at the dildo , shrieks and runs out. so i send the dildo to the pathologist. 10 minutes later i get an angry call from them "what the fuck is this"
"i dont know, your the pathologist, you tell me"

so we finish the surgery, and its my job to go and talk to the family outside. so i walk out and there is this hot blond gf of his just sitting there waiting.
so dumbfounded, i start to say "ummmm your boyfriend kinda..."
"yea i know, and i didnt do it" she says

so the next day , i go to do my rounds and check on the patient and there he is with his gf. he says "doc, what should i tell my boss?"
"umm well i guess the dildo isnt the best story to tell him, i guess u can say you had an appendectomy done..."

"well i just wanted you to know that it was an accident, i was running around the house and i fell on it"

riiiiighhhttt "listen, i dont care what you do, or how big a dildo you like to use, but for God sake, get one with the balls attached to it, so it acts like a stopper, that way you wont lose it..."

Saturday, April 24, 2010

police chase

so i was driving down to some redneck town in colorado when i decided i was hungry and wanted kfc. i saw a sign and decided to follow it into some town. not being from small town areas, i didnt realize you have to drive like 5 miles into the town to finally find the food.

so anyway im driving on my way into this town with my new york state license plate on my sporty looking altima with sunroof/moonroof and spoiler when i notice behind me a cop car. whatever no big deal, so i check the speed limit and its an amazing 15 miles per hour. so i make sure im going 14 mph. on one of the turns i look back and theres 2 unmarked black suvs with cops in it now also part of the chase. this ofcourse makes me a little more uncomfortable.

i check the new speed limit and its 5 mph in the town. so im going 5mph down these empty streets trailed by 3 cop cars on the slowest police chase ever and the worst part is the KFC is closed. so i decide to fuck with the cops, i start pulling random left and right hand turns, ofcourse with signal and full stops. and the 3 cops dutifully follow me at ever random turn. finally after 20 minutes they get tired of trailing me and pull up to the side, give me a nod with the hat and drive off.

ull find me under the guinness book of world records for the slowest police chase in history.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

fucken wyoming

The complete list ranks states from low to high, based on the number of speeding tickets issued per capita.

10. Massachusetts

9. Delaware

8. South Carolina

7. New Mexico

6. Maryland

5. Mississippi

4. North Dakota

3. Vermont

2. Wyoming

1. Washington, D.C.

after my second yr i was driving to denver for my third yr rotations with katy and my classmate steven. its about a 1000 mile drive, with nothing but desert and emptiness in between. key for the drive was to hit up all the IN-N-OUTS on the way there. well anyway driving through cali going 100 at 4am in the morning, finally stopping in salt lake city to sleep at some point.

when we got back on the road, we started on some two lane highway with nothing on the road but trucks and literally nothing around the way. at some point i was the lead car while steven was driving behind me going about 90. i saw a cop a few miles behind us, so i called steven and told him to pull to the right and slow down. so we stayed with the trucks on the slow lane for about 20 minutes with the cop behind us.

finally the cop pulled up to the side of steven and passed him. feeling better, i relaxed for a second, then the cop pulled in between us and turned on the lights and pulled me over. our cars were packed with clothes and other stuff we were moving, so i quickly told katy to open up the medical book to the nastiest pictures she could find. looking behind me i realized steven also pulled himself over like a dumbass.

shaking my head, i waited for the officer who went over to steven first and then to me. first thing he says is
"your friend says u were going 90" (fucken dumbass, why would you tell the cop that???)
"no officer, i had the cruise control on going 60"
"well i have you on the radar at 80, how bout the young lady come and look at the radar in my car" (sounds like the beginning of a bad porno)
so needless to say, steven and i both got hit with 300 dollar speeding tickets that we had to mail to the judges house, and thats when we knew we were in wyoming.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

numb all over

last patient of a 30 day pediatric rotation (pediatrics aka army of walking germ bombs waiting to sneeze and cough all over you while their overly aggressive parents scream and demand the best treatment that they see on tv)

mother runs frantically out of the room she was placed in and grabs me. "ive been waiting 5 minutes!"
"ma'am you are next, just wait for us to be done with the other patient and we will be with you in a moment"

she starts flipping out and goes back into the room.
so we finish up the patient and walk in, "my son is numb all over!!! he has no feelings anywhere!"
we look at the mother, look at the son (who is 19 yrs old and just laying there)
"when did this start "(feeling a bit nervous thinking of things that can cause such neurological issues)
"today, he was fine in the morning and now hes numb, and hes slow and confused"
i look at the son, and excuse myself from the room. come back with a bag of doritos and offer it to him while the pediatrician is doing a physical exam. kid takes a handful, i look at the mother and tell her "next time his eyes are bloodshot you might want to ask him how much he smoked up before you bring him to the doctors office".

Monday, April 19, 2010

playing operation

oddly enough i never liked the game Operation, i used to suck at it, id keep hitting the sides and lose

one night in the ER in the middle of a redneck town i was minding my own business when 2 ambulances rushed through and brought my patients in. the first was a white male about 25, big guy with blood all over his face, second was a mexican male about 30 with half his earlobe missing.

so the paramedic looks at me and hes like it was a great barfight, the guy with the nose really needs help, we think his nose is broken and theres a bone sticking out of it but we dont know if its his bone or the guy that nailed him

being a medical student you cant pass that one up, so i walk in, and find out that this guys a bouncer who was minding his own business when he got tapped on the shoulder and decked when he turned around. so i sterilize the area and stop the bleeding and numb it, to have a look, and yep, theres a piece of bone just sticking out, i take a tweezer and tug and it , it doesnt budge, so i take a scissor, snip off the bone and hand it to him. yea that was definitly yours, not his, sorry bud. i stop the bleeding, suture the nose and send him home

Sunday, April 18, 2010

thanks for reading

since i finally figured out how to follow other peoples blogs, its time to thank them for following mine, here are some people you should definitely check out - she got me into this, so blame her for my stories

Saturday, April 17, 2010

strolling in the park

this one is one of my favorites since it was the first memorable case i had as a medical student. i was working in the psychiatric ward in a major denver hospital. on my first day i walked in and introduced myself to the doctor i was working with who quickly told me to go see the lady in room 2 and to just walk away is she spits on me.

wtf? what kinda advice is that???
so i asked for some background info on the lady. well the story was this lady was brought in last night by 6 officers who found her naked in the park. she didnt want to be brought in, so she decided to beat off the cops with rocks. so finally the cops grabbed her and brought her to the ER where she was asked her name and she responded "my name is Polly, give me a fucken cracker" . so needless to say she was named jane doe, age unknown 70+, address and family unknown.

so being a medical student, you think you need to impress everyone around you and that failure isnt an option. so i marched down to room 2. opened the door, which was a 2foot padded steel, and looked inside to find a butt ass naked old saggy lady standing there infront of me. i apologized and quickly closed the door. gave her 5 minutes to dress and opened it again, and there she was standing in the same spot and just as wrinkly as before. so i again apologized, shut the door and walked over to one of the doctors. i asked him what to do with the naked woman, he asked "how old" i was like umm 70?, hes like " why are you staring at a naked old woman for, go get a nurse to put clothes on her!, if she was 20 then wed have a different story"

so i got a nurse and asked her to dress the patient, so were in the room and im off to the side waiting for her to be dressed , and Jane doe yells at the nurse thats helping her "what da ya think your staring at! this aint no peep show!" so finally shes dressed, and i ask her to sit on her bed since theres no chair while i stand with my clipboard at what im guessing is a good spitting safety distance. so the second the door shuts , this lady grabs the clipboard out of my hand and pulls me to sit on the bed near her. she takes the paper and starts writing on it. One big letter per page. First the letter A, then N, then D, taking up all 3 pages, when i ask her to write smaller and use the backs of the pages she backhands me across the chest. luckily a 70 yr old beating me doesnt do much damage but needless to say im not happy as i walk out to get her more paper. as im outside the whole staff of the psych ward is laughing as they watch this all play out on the security camera hidden in the room.

so this makes me even more determined to figure out whats going on in this head of hers. so i walk back in and tell her im writing and for her to tell me the story. smack another backhand.

finally she starts her story, last night she was about to take a bath when she turned on the hot water. the hot water started boiling up to the top of the tub and she couldnt turn it off, so she ran across the street naked to the store called King Soopers, but this specific one was actually called "Queen Soopers" since all the "fags" work there. so she had the manager give her a phone since she doesnt have one at home and she called the super intendant Mr. Bob who didnt pick off. finally she called the fire dept who shut down her water.
then the next day she was walking across the street to the starbucks and in the alley way she saw 3 pennies and "miracles upon miracles, it was the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit shinning up at her" and then all of a sudden she was attacked by 6 cops who beat her and threw her into jail and now here she is.

once again, needless to say my expression was a WTF??? look.

so i thanked her for her time and got up to leave with this crazy story when she tore it out of my hand and told me she couldnt let me leave the room with it and that she was going to sell the story and we could split the "hundreds and hundreds of dollars" that she was going to make off of suing everyone and selling the story.
yayy, hundreds of dollars, i cant wait....

so i walk outside and of course after 2 hours of talking to this lady, the staff has had time for its random jokes and they let me have it. after thier done, i walk over to a computer and i google Queen Soopers, and go figure theres actually a King Soopers known as queen soopers becuase of all the homosexual employees that work there. so i googlemap it and look for a starbucks near it and find one. then i move the map screen to show me the buildings across the street from it and i find 2 apt buildings. i take those addresses and google it to find that one of the apt is a retiremnt home for the elderly and that Mr. Bob is the superintendent. i google that address, get the number and call asking if thier missing a crazy old lady

"oohh you found martha??, weve been looking for her"
so i had this lady come down and ID Jane doe and give us the story. sounds like martha is a massive alcoholic that drinks a bottle of vodka in the mornings for breakfast and another bottle by lunch. she then takes strolls in the park. on this day she was found in a park 7 miles from her apartment.

well the story of martha doesnt end there, for the next 2 weeks she would not talk to any of the staff until i would show up for work. and on her last day there she slipped me her number and told me to drop by her place. needless to say that was the last day i saw Martha

Friday, April 16, 2010

poker face

the most important quality ive learned to have is a solid poker face. for most people they only need it when gambling with money, for doctors its key not to laugh at patients.

during my obgyn rotation (worst month of my life, i gave up porn for that month, never wanted to see another vagina for the rest of my life) i got to deliver 60 babies. everyone thinks thats so great and wonderful. yea its really not. being on the other side of the delivery is one of the most disgusting things ever. not only are you on the recieving end of a woman who hasnt shaved in months, and probably hasnt washed for a few days of sweaty straining, theres the oh so wonderful urination and shitting that are byproducts of telling the woman to push. so while everyone is screaming push push to the mother to be, im yelling "DONT, for Godsake stop pushing!!"
and after all that im supposed to catch this slimy little alien. i have to admit newborns are definitely one of the ugliest things ever, as one lovely mother said "get it the fuck off of me" when i handed her the newborn.

to top it off, some women shouldnt procreate. i was rounding in a hospital in denver, when i stopped by one room to check on a day old baby. the child was named "Orangejello" . ofcourse i did a double take, made sure that someoen didnt drop the hospital food menu list infront of me. so i walk into the room, introduce myself and ask to see how "orange jello' is doing. his mother got quite defensive, and demanded that i pronounce his name "oran-gelo". i didnt know if i should smile or cry for the kid...

Thursday, April 15, 2010


while working in an ER, patient walks in at around 4am complaining of having both his contacts roll to the back of his eyes. i wear contacts, i know it sucks to lose them, so i sat down with him for an hour trying to find them, literally did every test i could to locate them and just couldnt. all i could see was fingerprints and scratches on his eyes from him touching it so much.
so at about 530 i was finally like, listen ,do you even wear contacts? hes like you know what? no actually i dont....
i looked at him , put my head down and just walked away

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

funny story

heard this one in the ER.
in a small town in the south, a mexican lady is brought into the ER ready to deliver her baby. an intern with limited spanish goes to take care of her. instead of getting a translator the doctor tries use whatever spanish he knows to get her to push to get the baby out. so while shes spread and ready to deliver in the ambulance with her husband there the doctor yells in spanish 'puta! puta! puta!' thinking that it means to push, while the ladies furious husband starts flipping out on the doctor who is actually calling his wife 'whore! whore! whore!"

one liner

comment of the day...
i walk into a 40 yr old female patients room, after I introduce myself she says : if i knew you were going to be my doctor i would have brought my twin daughters.