pain in the ass

23 yr old girl comes it with a toothache.

So i walk in and theres a cute blonde laying on her side in pain. So i go in and have her open her mmouth and theres an obvious cavity. oddly enough im not a dentist, so the best i can do is give penicillin and pain meds, so as im walking out, she says..

"doctor, this is really embarrassing... but my butt hurts alot..."
wtf? tooth ache and butt ache together? what did she bite herself in the ass?


"umm okay. whats bothering you there?"
"well it hurts when i strain since ive been constipated for the past week"
"okay, well, let me get a nurse and then ill have a look, and ill check for any blood"
"yea theres been blood too"
---- wonderful


so obvious things are hemorrhoids or anal fissures

so i have a look, and yup theres a cut in her ass thats hurting her.
ok so i turn to leave again, and shes like

"doctor, this is embarrassing, but..."
oh jesus now what????

" but i was wondering could this be from anal sex?"
"yes, when did you have anal?"

"about a day before it started bleeding and hurting"
"yea im pretty sure its from that"

"well could i still have anal? i really like it"
"um, yea sure, but id wait atleast two weeks for it to heal"

" umm one more questions , do you like anal sex?"
" umm i need to get to my other patients, ill get you some cream for your butt pain"

testicles

the note from the nurse reads

54 yr old male presents with testicular pain

hmm oddly enough testicular pain is serious shit, as much as its embarrassing to walk up to the nurse to say that your balls hurt, it could be a sign of things such as testicular torsion (ball twists on it self and dies ... every guy reading this just grabbed his balls by the way lol)
or cancer or trauma.... either way ball pain is serious

so before i go in i read up on his chart. hes come into our ED 14 times for testicular pain.. odd again
hes had every test done on it that you can possibly do. so what could the problem be???

i walk in, and there is some fat smelly man sitting with his pants down. well, time to glove up and feel his hairy balls

needlesss to say, theres nothing wrong with his balls. so i walk back to the doctor im working with, and he asks me "what do you thinks wrong?"

"umm to be honest? i think he likes having us play with his balls"
the doctor looks at me and says "i dont think thats a real diagnosis"

i shrug and go back to my computer
he walks in, spends 2 minutes in there , walks out
"get him out of here, hes seriously just here to get his balls played with"

Guest Blogger

the first guest blog was a great story and people loved it , heres a new one from Kelli. once again its from the point of view of the patient, i know ull find it hilarious, i did.

Rectal Examination

By Kelli Petersen

One evening, I discovered blood in my poop. (Hey, if you can’t talk candidly to the Internet, then who can you talk to?) I’m not usually the kind of person who checks out bowel movements—unlike my boyfriend who not only examines it, but also takes an occasional picture and texts it to his friends. But as I reached over to flush the toilet, I saw a flash of bright red in my peripheral vision. I glanced down and saw small streams of blood lacing on and through the poop.

I made a sound like “muleh!” then started to flush the toilet, before pausing to wonder if I should somehow stick the poop in a plastic baggy. Would a doctor need to actually see it or have it tested? I decided a camera phone picture would suffice.

The next morning, I called my doctor’s office from work. Note to self: sitting at the front desk while fielding incoming calls and greeting visitors is not the place to call your doctor about bloody poop. The conversation went something like this:

Nurse: …and what is the problem you are experiencing?

Me: Um, well, it’s complicated…so, um, I think I may be sick?

Nurse: Sick with what?

Me: Well, there was something, uh, strangeaboutmypoop…last night…

Nurse: I’m sorry?

Me: Therewasbloodinmypoop…that’s why I need to make an appointment…

And so on. I was finally able to secure an appointment for the next day. Unfortunately, upon signing in for my visit, I was faced with sharing my problem with the front desk staff. C’mon, do they really need to know? I wondered. I gave the same stunted explanation as on the phone, except with hand gestures filling in wherever “bowel movement” should have been said.

Finally I was in the private examining room where I could speak openly about the issue. The doctor sat on a stool, slightly lower than the table upon which I sat, naked from the waist down, covered with what seemed to be an enormous paper towel. She asked about the color and consistency of the blood. Was it a dark red or brown? Or was it bright red?

Proudly, I pulled out my camera phone and declared, “I took a picture!” She stared at me for a moment before waving it away, asking, “How about you just tell me about it?” I described the poop in detail, adding creative flourishes here and there: “I would say the blood was the color of a red apple, freshly plucked from a tree.”

I answered more questions: no, I wasn’t constipated; no, I wasn’t feeling nauseous; no, I wasn’t allergic to anything. Finally, the doctor set the clipboard down and instructed me to lie down. Being a woman, I was well accustomed to being pants-less at a doctor’s office, so I shimmied down, ready to put my feet in the stirrups.

“I’m going to have you turn on your side, actually. Facing toward the window.”

Awkwardly, I turned onto my side, as the doctor snapped on latex gloves and rolled her stool behind me, putting her face level with my butt.

“Uh…should I, um, do anything?”

“Just relax, this may feel a bit uncomfortable.”

While looking out the window, I felt her spread my buttocks apart and put a finger inside the hole. “Try not to clench,” she instructed.

Taking her cue, I forced myself to relax and quickly found my thoughts drifting to sex. While she probed and examined, I dreamily looked out the window and focused on not moaning. In my head, the doctor had become a sexy 20-something man with strong arms, and who didn’t really have to do an anal exam (I was only there for an annual check-up, after all), but “just wanted to make sure everything looked good down there.”

The doctor said something, which I missed. “Excuse me?” I hadn’t realized she had pulled away from the table and was making notes on her clipboard.

“Everything looks good down there. My guess is it was a bit of food poisoning, something your body didn’t like. Keep an eye on it and let me know if it gets worse or if you feel pain.”

“Oh, uh, okay. Thanks!” I smoothed my hair which, strangely, seemed to be more unkempt than when I arrived.

She paused for a moment, looking as if she had smelled something strange, then said, “You’re…welcome?” She quickly left the room, closing the door behind her.

I hopped off the table and pulled on my pants. Feeling more refreshed than I had in days, I swung open the door, and giddily walked out of the office.

http://BohoInTheBurbs.blogspot.com

one liners

in the quotation marks is the patient, my response is right after

"are you a doctor" - no i just dress up as one for halloween... "but todays not halloween" - oh, in that case yes, yes i am


"doctor how old are you" - 45 - " really?" - no



"doc my hurts when i move it this way" - im pretty sure you know how this ones gonna end



"this is my 14th pregnancy" wtf... do you use birthcontrol "no" -- why not--- " i dont like how condoms feel, i have sex with multiple guys so i cant use the iud, the patch hurts, the pill makes me fat" --- im pretty sure being pregnant makes people fat too., how bout no more sex? "are you kidding"



"i have 3 daughters that would be perfect for you" --- all three at the same time? "maybe" --- wtf

dipping

while on my pediatric rotation i had a 16 yr old girl come into the office with her mother complaining of abdominal pain on both sides. the girl had a slight fever as well so I took a thorough history of the complaints and previous medical conditions. when i came up to the part of the sexual history and drug use history, i always ask the patients parents to leave the room since kids always lie and that they all seem to be saints. this girl actually said "no, i want her to be here"
the mother looked at me and said "we are very open with eachother since her abortion"
odd, but thats cool i guess.... "ok is there any possibility you are pregnant again?"
"no, i havent had sex since the abortion 9 months ago" she said with a smile..
"ok, any drug or alcohol use in the past?"
"no, no drugs or alcohol" she said
" do you smoke?"
"never"

ok, well to be honest i wont know whats wrong unless we do an abdominal catscan, and a blood draw to check her enzymes, liver function, kidney function and also a Urine analysis and a pelvic exam, your mom can wait outside if youd like.

"no, i want her here"
"ok" so i get a nurse to draw the blood and stand by as i do the pelvic exam, quick swab and a bimanual exam (aka 2 fingers to check if theres any tenderness) and the next thing i know the girl and mother are competing for my attention and flirting with me. they go from asking me questions about my life to the daughter grinding her hips on my fingers. the look of shock on my face should have given it away, but the mother was too busy checking my ass out to care.

so i quickly backed off, pulled the glove off, tossed it in the garbage and ran to wash my hands and left the room before i got molested anymore.

so after washing 3 times, i came back ot speak with hte patient and informed her that we would send all the samples to the lab and that i would call her with the results. she gave me her mothers cell phone number and told me it was fine to speak to the mother since she would be in school during the day.

so a few days passed, the cat scan was normal, all the labs were normal, she wasnt pregnant either. so i was waiting on the STD screening and ofcourse she had chlamydia. go figure the Virgin Mary of chlamydia.

so i waited till 5pm hoping that the patient would be home so i wouldnt have to tell her mother, and ofcourse she wasnt. so the mother picks up and i tell her the results and that I would call in a prescription for antibiotics at her pharmacy.

the mother is silent for a second. then starts yelling "that bastard is dipping his wick in her again!!!!"

why you shouldnt run around naked and fall on random objects

4am in the ER, a 21 yr old male patient walks in complaining of abdominal pain. abdominal pain is very common, so not exactly the thing you run to see. so i walk in and the patient seems a bit on edge, complaining of left sided pain, so i do the usual history taking and find nothing too impressive, maybe just diverticulitis or something benign. finally i go to do the physical exam and i feel a massive solid bump. trying not to look too freaked out and hoping that this isnt like Aliens where its gonna rip out of the stomach and attack me, i calmly ask if hes noticed that lump before.
he denies it, saying its new. and its mobile, so its not like its a tumor, which leaves very few options. so fearing the worst, we get him to x-ray, and all we see is a solid white mass that seems to be in his sigmoid colon. off to surgery we go before whatever that is kills him.

so were in the operating room, and im standing near the patient, right before the surgeon goes in and he whispers to me, "i put a dildo in me and i lost it"
wtfffffF?? how do u lose a dildo????

so it sounds like our guy here had been trying to manually remove it for hours before he finally gave up and came to the ER....

so i quickly whisper this to the surgeon, and he professionally tells me that hes going to shove his arm up the rectum while i have to push down from the abdomen. so we put the patient under anesthesia and get to work. unfortunately the dildo doesn't budge.

too bad its not a vibrator, could have turned it on and let it wiggle out... oh well
i look at the nurse next to me and joke, i bet its a tiny pink one... she laughs

so were forced to cut open the patient and go through the colon to remove the dildo manually. not exactly an easy surgery since anytime you cut the colon theres a risk of infection. but whatever, we start cutting when all of a sudden like a submarine this thing emerges.... the biggest white dildo anyone has ever seen. this thing was 14 inches long, two hands wide. nurses mouths just dropped, i nearly dropped the dildo, doctor looks at me and says "what do u want to do with it"

i dont know, keep it for christmas? maybe use as a flotation device or a weapon? so i say, "lets send it to pathology lab" we laugh...

so we find out that the dildo is too big for any bag we have in the room, we finally get a garbage bag to put it in, while were doing this every nurse in whole floor runs in, looks at the dildo , shrieks and runs out. so i send the dildo to the pathologist. 10 minutes later i get an angry call from them "what the fuck is this"
"i dont know, your the pathologist, you tell me"

so we finish the surgery, and its my job to go and talk to the family outside. so i walk out and there is this hot blond gf of his just sitting there waiting.
so dumbfounded, i start to say "ummmm your boyfriend kinda..."
"yea i know, and i didnt do it" she says

so the next day , i go to do my rounds and check on the patient and there he is with his gf. he says "doc, what should i tell my boss?"
"umm well i guess the dildo isnt the best story to tell him, i guess u can say you had an appendectomy done..."

"well i just wanted you to know that it was an accident, i was running around the house and i fell on it"

riiiiighhhttt "listen, i dont care what you do, or how big a dildo you like to use, but for God sake, get one with the balls attached to it, so it acts like a stopper, that way you wont lose it..."