one liners

in the quotation marks is the patient, my response is right after

"are you a doctor" - no i just dress up as one for halloween... "but todays not halloween" - oh, in that case yes, yes i am


"doctor how old are you" - 45 - " really?" - no



"doc my hurts when i move it this way" - im pretty sure you know how this ones gonna end



"this is my 14th pregnancy" wtf... do you use birthcontrol "no" -- why not--- " i dont like how condoms feel, i have sex with multiple guys so i cant use the iud, the patch hurts, the pill makes me fat" --- im pretty sure being pregnant makes people fat too., how bout no more sex? "are you kidding"



"i have 3 daughters that would be perfect for you" --- all three at the same time? "maybe" --- wtf

funny story

heard this one in the ER.
in a small town in the south, a mexican lady is brought into the ER ready to deliver her baby. an intern with limited spanish goes to take care of her. instead of getting a translator the doctor tries use whatever spanish he knows to get her to push to get the baby out. so while shes spread and ready to deliver in the ambulance with her husband there the doctor yells in spanish 'puta! puta! puta!' thinking that it means to push, while the ladies furious husband starts flipping out on the doctor who is actually calling his wife 'whore! whore! whore!"