dipping

while on my pediatric rotation i had a 16 yr old girl come into the office with her mother complaining of abdominal pain on both sides. the girl had a slight fever as well so I took a thorough history of the complaints and previous medical conditions. when i came up to the part of the sexual history and drug use history, i always ask the patients parents to leave the room since kids always lie and that they all seem to be saints. this girl actually said "no, i want her to be here"
the mother looked at me and said "we are very open with eachother since her abortion"
odd, but thats cool i guess.... "ok is there any possibility you are pregnant again?"
"no, i havent had sex since the abortion 9 months ago" she said with a smile..
"ok, any drug or alcohol use in the past?"
"no, no drugs or alcohol" she said
" do you smoke?"
"never"

ok, well to be honest i wont know whats wrong unless we do an abdominal catscan, and a blood draw to check her enzymes, liver function, kidney function and also a Urine analysis and a pelvic exam, your mom can wait outside if youd like.

"no, i want her here"
"ok" so i get a nurse to draw the blood and stand by as i do the pelvic exam, quick swab and a bimanual exam (aka 2 fingers to check if theres any tenderness) and the next thing i know the girl and mother are competing for my attention and flirting with me. they go from asking me questions about my life to the daughter grinding her hips on my fingers. the look of shock on my face should have given it away, but the mother was too busy checking my ass out to care.

so i quickly backed off, pulled the glove off, tossed it in the garbage and ran to wash my hands and left the room before i got molested anymore.

so after washing 3 times, i came back ot speak with hte patient and informed her that we would send all the samples to the lab and that i would call her with the results. she gave me her mothers cell phone number and told me it was fine to speak to the mother since she would be in school during the day.

so a few days passed, the cat scan was normal, all the labs were normal, she wasnt pregnant either. so i was waiting on the STD screening and ofcourse she had chlamydia. go figure the Virgin Mary of chlamydia.

so i waited till 5pm hoping that the patient would be home so i wouldnt have to tell her mother, and ofcourse she wasnt. so the mother picks up and i tell her the results and that I would call in a prescription for antibiotics at her pharmacy.

the mother is silent for a second. then starts yelling "that bastard is dipping his wick in her again!!!!"