my cookie itches

during my obgyn rotation, i was in a small town that had a very high std rate and one of the highest teen pregnancy rates. needless to say i stayed home every night since people got pregnant just by standing too close

when the patient goes into the office, i usually see them first with a nurse and then report the chief complaint to the other doctor.

15 yr old girl comes in and says "my cookie itches"

"im sorry your what?"

"my cookie, it itches"

so your trained to write the patients complaint down word for word. so i write down
15 yr old hispanic female presents to the office with the chief complaint of her cookie itching of 3 day duration.

60 yr old male doctor walks in, reads it and looks at me like im on drugs. "what should the patient do?"

i look at him straight face "hmm, probably not let anyone in the cookie jar"

poker face

the most important quality ive learned to have is a solid poker face. for most people they only need it when gambling with money, for doctors its key not to laugh at patients.

during my obgyn rotation (worst month of my life, i gave up porn for that month, never wanted to see another vagina for the rest of my life) i got to deliver 60 babies. everyone thinks thats so great and wonderful. yea its really not. being on the other side of the delivery is one of the most disgusting things ever. not only are you on the recieving end of a woman who hasnt shaved in months, and probably hasnt washed for a few days of sweaty straining, theres the oh so wonderful urination and shitting that are byproducts of telling the woman to push. so while everyone is screaming push push to the mother to be, im yelling "DONT, for Godsake stop pushing!!"
and after all that im supposed to catch this slimy little alien. i have to admit newborns are definitely one of the ugliest things ever, as one lovely mother said "get it the fuck off of me" when i handed her the newborn.

to top it off, some women shouldnt procreate. i was rounding in a hospital in denver, when i stopped by one room to check on a day old baby. the child was named "Orangejello" . ofcourse i did a double take, made sure that someoen didnt drop the hospital food menu list infront of me. so i walk into the room, introduce myself and ask to see how "orange jello' is doing. his mother got quite defensive, and demanded that i pronounce his name "oran-gelo". i didnt know if i should smile or cry for the kid...