pain in the ass

23 yr old girl comes it with a toothache.

So i walk in and theres a cute blonde laying on her side in pain. So i go in and have her open her mmouth and theres an obvious cavity. oddly enough im not a dentist, so the best i can do is give penicillin and pain meds, so as im walking out, she says..

"doctor, this is really embarrassing... but my butt hurts alot..."
wtf? tooth ache and butt ache together? what did she bite herself in the ass?


"umm okay. whats bothering you there?"
"well it hurts when i strain since ive been constipated for the past week"
"okay, well, let me get a nurse and then ill have a look, and ill check for any blood"
"yea theres been blood too"
---- wonderful


so obvious things are hemorrhoids or anal fissures

so i have a look, and yup theres a cut in her ass thats hurting her.
ok so i turn to leave again, and shes like

"doctor, this is embarrassing, but..."
oh jesus now what????

" but i was wondering could this be from anal sex?"
"yes, when did you have anal?"

"about a day before it started bleeding and hurting"
"yea im pretty sure its from that"

"well could i still have anal? i really like it"
"um, yea sure, but id wait atleast two weeks for it to heal"

" umm one more questions , do you like anal sex?"
" umm i need to get to my other patients, ill get you some cream for your butt pain"

testicles

the note from the nurse reads

54 yr old male presents with testicular pain

hmm oddly enough testicular pain is serious shit, as much as its embarrassing to walk up to the nurse to say that your balls hurt, it could be a sign of things such as testicular torsion (ball twists on it self and dies ... every guy reading this just grabbed his balls by the way lol)
or cancer or trauma.... either way ball pain is serious

so before i go in i read up on his chart. hes come into our ED 14 times for testicular pain.. odd again
hes had every test done on it that you can possibly do. so what could the problem be???

i walk in, and there is some fat smelly man sitting with his pants down. well, time to glove up and feel his hairy balls

needlesss to say, theres nothing wrong with his balls. so i walk back to the doctor im working with, and he asks me "what do you thinks wrong?"

"umm to be honest? i think he likes having us play with his balls"
the doctor looks at me and says "i dont think thats a real diagnosis"

i shrug and go back to my computer
he walks in, spends 2 minutes in there , walks out
"get him out of here, hes seriously just here to get his balls played with"

twins

sorry for the long wait, with my move and new job its been a mess with the hours
but on the bright side it brings new stories

25 yr old woman comes in with her 1 yr old baby and her best friend. The patient says shes pregnant with twins, and that shes afraid something happened to them because her bf tossed her around the house today and that she hasnt felt them move.

Obviously this is very distressing news, so i start to ask the patient questions about this
"when was the last time you felt the babies move?"
"yesterday, my friends 5 months pregnant like me, we felt it together"

she states that she just came from another hospital where they refused to do an ultrasound of her belly since it was part midnight and they dont perform those until 5am. so I got ready to do the ultrasound myself , but before i did that i ordered some labs on her, a urine HCG (pregnancy test) and a serum HCG (more accurate since its from the blood) .

The urine pregnancy came back negative.... a bit odd since even though it could be negative you wouldnt expect it to be with twins at 5months.

Serum HCG came back negative too.... wtf? even if she got tossed around the room and had a miscarriage the values would be high enough for a month. how could she have felt the babies move yesterday if shes not pregnant????

so i walked into the room, looked at the lady laying down and asked, "which obgyn have you seen?"
"oh the one at .... Hospital"

so i went back to my desk, called the hospital, pulled up the records there, and guess what
shes never gone to the OB there, shes made up the whole pregnancy.

and thats why the other hospital refused to do an ultrasound of her stomach, theres nothing there to ultrasound.....

i went back in told her that shes not pregnant and hasnt been for a month, guess her reaction?

not shocked at all.... go figure....

the friend (whose been lied to the whole time) demanded she be ultrasounded, so i figured its time to prove to them both theres nothing there, did the ultrasound, found no babies, printed it and gave it to them to frame.

my patients are special.