bag job

to some special people from a special city, when hyperventilating, please DO NOT put a plastic bag completely over your head, yes that is why you passed out - just a friendly reminder from your local physician.

nightmares

you know you're a nerd when you're still having nightmares about failing a math test even though you've been out of college for 7 years

Getting your heart racing

comment of the night - I walk into a 30 yr old patients room that the nurses are worried about her low heart rate. Heart rate jumps up from 50 to 87 in 2 seconds. "Well looks like I cured your low heart rate" -- "I'm sure you get all the ladies hearts racing" finally I can market myself - take 1 of Me with food daily

Bright Idea

1st pediatric patient of the day... decided he was hungry and took a bite out of the fluorescent light bulb, and when his mother tried to stop him, he took another bite and ran away from her. mom was upset not because he had glass in his belly, but that he would rather eat a light bulb than her cooking

being a magician

last night I had a patient who demanded to leave by EMS from our hospital to another because he was constipated and refused our medications, then after getting mag citrate he complained of the diarrhea, then he complained about not urinating, finally I got called when his left leg became "paralyzed".

naturally I had to jab him in the leg with a sharp object to make sure he had good pain reception. his leg jumped up.

move over Jesus, I can cure paralysis. :) i love my job

peekaboo

just got flipped off by a one armed guy in the ICU whose arm was tied down with restraints, absolutely incredible.

oh well, thats what I get for treating him...
but the best part was, all I had to do was put the blanket back on him and close the door. :)

going down

while sitting at the nurses station working on the computer, i notice a 50 yr old lady walk toward the two elevators and stand in front of them waiting. so I go back to my work when she mutters to herself "which one goes down?"

so i look over again and shes standing there without pressing the elevator button and still looking at the 2 elevators. "i hate elevators, why isnt it going down"

like watching a train wreck, I sit there for another minute while she waits patiently. finally feeling bad, i walk over and press the down arrow and the elevator opens up and i go to sit down. she gets in it. door closes and for the next minute the elevator stays on the same floor. she was standing in side of it not pressing anything again.

finally someone from the floor above pressed the button and the elevator went up, picked up the new passenger and then reopened on my floor with the lady still in it. Completely shocked at what im watching , i got into the elevator, pressed the first floor and rode it down with her.

Looking at her with a shocked / retarded expression, i asked her if shes feeling fine

she looks at me deadpan "ofcourse im fine, why?"

oh i dont know maybe the fact that you dont know how to use an elevator, maybe the fact that you stood infront of it for it to magically open for you, or maybe the fact that you stood in it for a minute not known why the elevator wasnt moving..... but all i could say was "oh you look tired"

watched the elevator open on the first floor and her leave, not believing what just happened.

stress management

As part of our 1st yr requirements, we are expected to attend a Stress Management meeting with 6 other interns, a hospital official and a psychiatrist so they can sit there and pick and prod at us and see if we're cracking under the stress.
well if you haven't figured out till now, work does not stress me at all, i love it and i love having fun with it, so obviously I needed to make this meeting interesting

well when it was my turn to share my feelings, they asked me how I cope with stress, I looked at the psychiatrist and said with a straight face

"well to be honest I think I deal with stress just fine, being at home alone is okay because I can talk to the imaginary people there and they talk back to me, sometimes we argue but its okay, we get along. As for how to deal with real stress, well I drink excessively and go out to strip clubs nightly, unfortunately the cost of it is pretty taxing on my salary so I would appreciate a raise to decrease my stress."

needless to say there was an awkward round of laughing...
lets see how long it takes for me to get a letter in my mail telling me i need counseling lol

groundhog day

reason #346 of why I stand out in Ohio. Pt comes in with a self inflicted gunshot wound and fracture of arm after hunting a groundhog and instead falling into his hole and shooting himself. redneck 0 - groundhog 1 :)

to top it off, instead of calling an ambulance, he decides to drive himself to the hospital, on the way gets hungry, stops at a 7/11 to get food while bleeding all over the place. After getting his food and driving away, the clerk calls the cops for the gunshot who start a statewide hunt for him. He drives past the closest hospital to him, decides to keep going to the next one. cops finally show up and lockdown the ER thinking the guy is a criminal.